Two to Tango
by do.you.care.enough
Summary: All this time..." He says between kisses. "I needed you..." Rory and Jess, after Season 7. What else can I say? You know you want to read it...
1. Chapter One: Decisions

Very first FanFiction! Mostly centered around Rory and Jess but other characters definitely make an appearance!

I do not own anything.

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Chapter One

Decisions

It really was so not like me to be so unbelievably… Stupid. Galactically stupid, according to A Few Good Men, that is.

The world was a small place sometimes, and it definitely felt that way whenever I kept running into Jess Mariano every year or so in Stars Hollow.

Okay, maybe that didn't make the world small. I did live here, and he did used to live here with his uncle Luke, who runs a diner. His mother, Liz, mother's husband, TJ, and half-sister Doula spend a lot of time here when they're not traveling with Renaissance Fairs so that Liz can sell her jewelry.

I suppose seeing him so much keeps me on my toes. But a downside of keeping me on my toes is that it keeps me thinking that I see him practically wherever I go.

But when I showed up at Truncheon books a while ago, I can't really blame him for reappearing, because it was me that did that appearing in this instance.

He came around the corner, and spotted me. He stopped five feet away, and looked genuinely happy to see me.

"Well, isn't this a day of surprises?" He says.

Why, yes it was.

"I didn't RSVP, sorry." I smile, stepping closer to him.

"This isn't really an RSVP type thing, showing up is cool." he replies, gesturing towards the crowd of people surrounding a young African-American man doing poetry.

"Good." I say, looking around a little. "So this is Truncheon books."

"Yeah, this is Truncheon books."

"I like it. It makes me feel like I instantly want to create something. Give me a pen, give me a brush." I see Luke and a teenage girl with brown hair and glasses with red frames. I wonder who it is while we walk over to say hi.

"I got to get something; Don't leave until I get back." Jess says, walking away. Luke and I continue to talk. He introduces me to the girl, who I find out is his daughter April. Luke and my Mom have been engaged for a little while, and he only recently found out about April, and was pretty much shutting Mom out of April's life. I'm not entirely sure how Mom feels about it, but I think she's really struggling. That's the only reason why I know who she is.

"The famous April." I smile.

Jess comes back and takes Luke away for a second, handing him a book and a piece of paper. I talk to April while I wait.

I see Luke and Jess hug, and then they return. April and Luke leave, and Jess and I are left alone again.

"So you're here alone?" Jess asks, somewhat awkwardly. I nod. "Cool." He nods his head towards where everyone else is, and we head over that way.

Jess returns to talk with a couple of his friends, and I sit on a hassock foot-stool and flip through Jess' book, not really paying complete attention to it.

Why had I come here? What was my plan? I liked telling myself that I was just here to support a friend, but I couldn't bring myself to believe that. My mind mulled over a million different thoughts and memories that all included Jess.

"Now, you don't have to read it again." Jess says, pulling over a chair.

"I know I don't." I smile, closing the book.

"There's _so _many things I would change."

"Like what?" I ask. I happen to love this book. It's so… Jess. It really was from him. It wasn't littered with a bunch of stuff inspired by other people. It was purely his writing, and his alone.

He sighs, and waves his hand in the air like he doesn't know. "Keep the back cover. Everything else goes."

"You know why I love your book?"

"Why?" We're leaning into each other, I can tell. The act feels dangerous. My instincts tell me to back up, but I don't want to.

"It doesn't remind me of anything. It's not a rip-off, it's just you."

"High praise, Mrs. Yale Editor." We get to talking about the newspaper a little bit, and he gets me to admit how much I love it. Of course Jess would know instantly how much the paper means to me.

"You look… Happier than when I saw you last." I nod. "So, you fixed everything?"

"Yeah. Everything's fixed."

"I'm glad you're here." He says, leaning in even closer. We're less than a foot away now. I purse my lips, and smile.

"Me too." He leans in, and we're kissing. Nothing awkward, nothing passionate, just… a kiss. A nice kiss. Then I feel his hand on my arm, and I'm pulling away.

"What?" He says, his hand falling to my leg.

"I'm sorry." I say, frantic, getting up.

"About what?"

"Uh, about coming here like this. I just got the flier and, I don't know, I just wanted to see your place, but, then, it's not fair to you. I'm such a jerk." I really was. To him and to Logan. What about Logan? I hadn't even thought of him since I'd been here. What kind of a girlfriend _was I?_

"I don't know what you're talking about." He says as I turn away, and then turn back towards him. I look up, scrambling for words to explain.

"I couldn't even cheat on him the way he cheated on me."

"Who? Who cheated on you? That… guy?" I don't say anything. I feel dejected. I look down, and out of the corner of my eye I think I see him shake his head a little. He sighs, and rubs his face with his hand. He knows. "You're still with him."

"Yeah."

"I thought everything was fixed."

"Everything but him." I admit. Jess looks a little mad.

"I hate this." He states.

"You should, I'm sorry."

"You came here, alone, to Philadelphia."

"He was out of town." I try to explain unsuccessfully.

"I don't deserve this, Rory."

"No, you don't. You don't deserve this. I just, I'm in love with him." I semi-shrug, a little unhappy by the fact. Why did I love Logan? Really, what did he have that Jess didn't? Couldn't Jess give me everything that he had if not more? Okay, besides money, but who cares? Jess is related to Luke, my future step-father. His mother is Liz, who's awesome. Logan had Honor, I guess, who's nice, but what about his parents? Who wanted them as father- and mother-in-law?

"Despite all he's done I can't help it. I'm in love with him."

"You love him." He says, softly, nodding his head like he's trying to accept it. My heart ached for him. Ugghhh… What was I _doing_?

"Yeah." I say

"I guess I'll call Matthew's poet, have him explain love to me. Poets know all about it, right?" He says kind of sarcastically. I notice for the first time that he looks really good. His hair is more kept, and he has a little bit of stubble. He looks… happy. I mean, not at the moment, but despite his emotions right now there's an underlying joy. Like everything's been going all right lately.

"They're supposed to." I say, quietly, my arms crossed. "Well, I guess I'd better go."

"Okay."

"I'm so sorry I came here." I say once again. I don't really here his disjointed reply, because I'm too busy yelling at myself.

"Hey, if, uh, it makes you feel better you can always tell him that we, did something." I smile a little, and say,

"Thanks." And then I left.

Why had I left? Now that I knew things were done with Logan, I really wished that I hadn't. Because now I was left pining away for the guy who's heart I'd probably broken. It was stupid to say that I needed him, but sometimes it really did feel that way.

It would have been nice to tell Logan I was leaving. To pack my things and move out. Hurt him like he'd hurt me. The thought felt satisfying right now. Just because I didn't want to get to marry him and move with him right that second, we couldn't even _try _to be together anymore?

I guess it doesn't even matter. I wanted Jess now.

Was I always going to keep doing this? Say Jess and I never got together, would I always want to go back to him? Even when I was married someday, would I always be pining away for him?

Past instances would say yes.

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Two months after my Obama Campaign Reporting job was done, Jess and I saw each other again. I was at Luke's, of course, drinking a coffee with Mom at the counter. Luke had been acting weird all morning, and when a person came down the steps of the apartment and swung around the corner, I knew exactly why.

"Jess." My mother and I say in unison. A few seconds of silence pass, and I turn to Mom, looking for help. Her blue eyes look frantic, as if she's scared for me. She knows what he does to me every time I see him. What she doesn't know is what I do to him every time he sees me.

Luke clears his throat, and disappears into the kitchen. Mom gives him a withering glare, and I know that as soon as I leave she'll give him a piece of her mind.

Jess was wearing a Velvet Underground t-shirt, and dark-blue jeans. His hair was more mussed than the last time I'd seen him, more like it was when we were in High School.

My heart kick-started, and I fumbled for something to say.

"Hi." Was my oh-so original retort.

"Rory." He nods, definitely not surprised to see me.

"Jess." I say, very surprised to see him.

This was beyond anything I could handle at the moment. Wasn't it only a week ago that I'd really confronted my feelings for Jess? I'd only barely begun to understand everything, and here I was confronted by the man himself.

"Let's… walk. Do you mind?" I ask, standing up. Mom looks at me, semi-horrified with what I'm saying, and I nod at her, trying to convey that it's alright, that I haven't lost my sanity.

"I don't mind." He says, smiling a little teasingly. I walk briskly out the door and he follows behind.

We fall into step as I turn the corner, and I stop.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, shaking my head, trying to make sense of all the emotions running through me.

"Visiting Luke…" He says, eying me carefully. When I see his eyes scan over my body, I flush deep red with pleasure. Okay, hold on. He's not here to see me. He's here to see _Luke_. Luke. Luke, Luke, Luke. Not me.

"Oh." I say a little unhappily.

"Yep. And…"

"And?"

"I wanted to see you."

"Oh, you did?" I say, pleased. He wanted to see me? I felt like a thirteen-year old who's crush came to her locker. _Loser_. My mind called me. "Can I ask why?"

"I got your letter. You seemed a little down."

"And you felt the need to rush to my side and comfort me?"

"I suppose."

"Wherefore art thou, Romeo?" I laugh. "How gentlemanly."

"Did you not want me to come?" I briefly contemplated that. Did I want him to be here? My mind instantly shouted _yes_, but I tried to find a more witty response. I couldn't really find one.

"Of course I did."

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I woke up not knowing where I was. When my sleepy eyes focused, I realized where I was.

The apartment above Luke's diner.

Oh, God.

The whole night came flooding back, and I was instantly horrified with what had happened. It was so out-of-character.

I was wrapped around Jess on top of the covers. In all the thousands of times since Junior year that I'd imagined this scenario, I didn't really imagine it like this. I didn't imagine it in Luke's apartment, even though he didn't live here anymore, and I did not imagine it happening when someone could come up here at any second.

I disentangled myself, and Jess stirred. I grabbed my clothes and pulled them on clumsily as he sat up in bed.

"Leaving?" He asked.

"I don't know. Are there people downstairs? I don't want anyone to see me…" I groaned, running my hands through my hair.

"Luke's is closed. It's Sunday." Oh. Luke had started closing on Sundays so Mom and him could spend the day together with April. It was a new rule they had, ever since they got back together. That was Mom was in April's life but wasn't trying to be her new mommy.

"Oh. Well, I've got to go."

"Don't go, Rory. At least have coffee or something."

"Jess, this is wrong. This shouldn't have happened…" Ugh, so, so stupid.

"Rory, stop." He says, standing up. He grabbed my arm, but I shook free. "Please don't leave."

"No, I've got to _go_." I say through gritted teeth, and then I leave. Again.

Three weeks later, I was late. In… _that way_. After the proper amount of freaking out, I waited another two weeks, and then called Lane. She bought me a pregnancy test, and while Zach was away, I took the test in their bathroom.

I shouldn't have been surprised when the test came back positive.

That's what happens when you rush into things like… sex.

Three months in, I had to tell my mother. She didn't even have to ask who the father was. Jess had inevitably disappeared a week later when I had avoided him at all costs. Why had I done that? Right now I didn't quite understand.

I had Mom tell Grandma and Grandpa. I couldn't face them. I didn't want to face Grandma's disapproving glares and Grandpa's unhappiness and sulkiness. I never asked Mom what their reactions were, because I had a pretty good mental image from all the times that they'd let Mom know exactly what they thought of her getting pregnant at sixteen.

I think in some ways they were more disappointed by me than Mom. Because I was the reliable one. I'd gone to Chilton and was top in my class and I'd graduated Yale and gotten a good job right out of college. It wasn't something I would have done, but yet I did.

Six months later, after sixteen hours of labor, Malia Jessica Gilmore was born. Yes, "Jessica". Thankfully, my mom didn't comment on it.

Malia was beautiful. She had bright blue eyes, like me, and very curly, dark brown hair like Jess. She had my round face, and Jess' nose. In other words, she's so beyond perfect.

Forty-eight hours later, I got to take Malia home to my apartment. Mom stayed for a couple days to help out, and, though I knew she'd planned on staying way longer, I told her that I wanted to try taking care of Malia myself. If Mom could do it at sixteen, I could definitely do it at twenty-three.

I had a job as a freelance writer for the _Hartford Gazette_, so I had stable income, on top of help from Mom. Also, a month after Malia was born money started showing up in the mail at regular intervals. I recognized Grandma's handwriting on the mailing address, even though there was no return address.

Two months after Malia was born, Luke oh-so subtly hinted that I really needed to tell Jess. He'd gestured towards April when he did, and I understood. He'd gone thirteen years without knowing he had a daughter, and didn't want the same to happen to Jess.

I didn't know if I wanted to tell him, because I knew that Jess would instantly come running to be a part of his daughter's life. That was just how he was. I didn't know if he wanted kids, but he was a good enough person to take responsibility. After all, he didn't know that I'd stopped birth control after Logan and I split.

And so I made the decision.

I would tell him.

And so I was faced with one of the hardest challenges of my life.

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Please leave comments! Helps me to make my writing better! It's a little long because I'm used to writing full-length chapters. I'm definitely going to update if you guys like it!


	2. Chapter Two: Three Simple Syllables

(In case you're wondering, the Three Simple Syllables are "I… Love… You…" Haha. Was trying to think of a semi-original chapter name and this was all I got.)

This chapter is a little bit longer than Chapter One, mostly because Chapter One was sort of a prologue.

I don't own anything. I am not original enough to think of such amazing characters and plotlines as those who created Gilmore Girls have.

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Chapter Two

Three Simple Syllables

I do not know how long I sat at my desk trying to compose the damn letter. It really shouldn't be this hard. While Malia was sleeping I spent so much time tapping my pencil on a blank sheet of paper instead of doing something valuable, like sleeping or taking a shower.

After a month of trying, all I'd gotten was this:

_Dear Jess,_

_I have some important things to tell you_.

After that, I was stuck. How could you tell the guy you loved that he had a daughter? I was so afraid that he'd be mad at me for not telling him, or that I'd find out he had a girlfriend somewhere. Oh, God. The thought made the skin along my neck prickle. I don't know how well I could handle that.

It didn't help that every time I went into the diner, Luke gave me a look that said, _I know you haven't told him yet_. I always tried to give him a look back that said, _I'm trying_, but I don't think that he cared.

One time when Mom was visiting, I came out of the bathroom to find her at my desk, a piece of paper in her hand. It didn't take me more than a couple seconds to figure out which one it was.

"What's this?" She asked, looking a little confused and more than just a little concerned for my sanity. According to Lorelai Gilmore, Jess Mariano was right up there on her list of people-she-hates with people who kick puppies. She thought that it was him who did the leaving, not me.

"I'm going to tell Jess. I just haven't figured out how yet."

"Oh, honey…"Mom starts when my eyes start to fill with tears. She looks so concerned and motherly that it made me want to spill everything that happened and everything that I was feeling. I used to be able to tell Mom everything, and now it's like I can't. I'm so ashamed of myself, it's horrible. I know that she thinks I'm upset about getting pregnant, but that is no longer it. I'm so ashamed of myself that morning with Jess it makes me sick.

"No, I'm fine." I snap, wiping the tears away. At the moment, Mom was so blissed-out by her new marriage that I didn't want to bring her down. She shouldn't have to worry about me. I was an adult, and a mother. She shouldn't have to deal with this, and yet, my mom, selfless as ever, continued to bear my pain as if it were her own. I owed her in so many more ways than she knew.

A month later, I was finally able to get something on paper.

_Dear Jess,_

_I have some important things to tell you._

_First off, I am very sorry for walking out on you when you came to visit a year ago. I should have stayed, should have talked to you. I certainly should not have avoided you until you left. For your sake and mine. Because I horribly regret it. The words wrong, selfish, and stupid come to mind. I left you without a word, without any explanation for the way I freaked out. I just… Should have been more mature about it. You didn't do anything wrong, I promise._

_Second off, I should have called you at some point instead of sitting here, wishing you would call me. I really am stupid, in case you haven't figured that out already. I should have done something to let you know that I still loved you. Still do love you._

_Thirdly, and ultimately the most important, something big happened after you left. Something huge. I'm happy about it, but I'm not sure if you will be. I hope you will. I had a baby. A little girl. Malia Jessica Gilmore. She's your daughter, Jess. _

_I know I should have told you earlier. To be honest, I didn't know how to tell you. I also know a letter isn't the best way to tell you, but I don't know if you want to talk to me in person._

_Call me or write me or something, if you want. I need to hear from you, Jess. I want you to be a part of our daughter's life. I know you've already missed too much and it's my fault. _

_Love,_

_Rory_

I mailed the letter the next day. Every time I thought of it for the next couple of days, I panicked. What was he thinking right now? Had he got the letter yet? Did he hate me? Or worse, did he not even care about his daughter?

On the fourth day, I got my answer.

I was walking to Doose's to get diapers when I saw his car outside of Luke's. I had Malia in her baby carrier, and I ran as fast as I could inside the diner. Malia had this hilarious look on her face like, _What the hell are you doing?_ I tried not to let her shake around, but I couldn't help it.

Once inside, I looked up at Luke the same time he looked at me.

"He's upstairs." Luke said, and I wanted to kiss his sweet, baseball-cap-flannel-shirt-wearing self.

Mom was sitting at the counter, and she reached out for Malia's carrier. I handed her over, and took a deep breath. Then, suddenly, I was running up the steps to the apartment and flinging the door open.

And there he was.

The man I loved and the father of my baby was rooting through a suitcase, pulling out a few books and putting them on a shelf. He had enough suitcases to give me the message that he was staying for a while.

Jess looked up when the door banged against the wall with wide eyes. And then we were closing the distance between us with a few bounds, and then our arms were around each other. It wasn't a kiss, but to me it held more meaning.

Who knows how long we stood their in that embrace? After a while, he kissed me softly on the lips, and then he seemed to realize something. His body instantly went tense, and it was hard not laugh at his serious expression.

"So where is she?" He let go, and I told him to wait a minute. I go downstairs, take Malia from Mom, and go back upstairs. Jess' mouth drops open when he sees her, and for the first time since I'd met him he was speechless.

After a few awed seconds of silence, Jess says, "I guess we should get married, then." I shake my head furiously as soon as he gets the word "married" out.

"I don't want to get married just because of Malia." I cradle her in a different position, so that Jess can get a better look. He starts to reach his hand out, and then pulls it away. "Go ahead. She's your daughter too, you know." I half-laugh.

Jess, careful as ever, reaches his hand back out and strokes Malia's cheek. She smiles and coos a little.

"How old is she?" He asks softly. His wide brown eyes were intense as they studied the baby in the carrier.

"About five months old." Malia grips his finger and waves it around a little. It made my heart practically sing, as cheesy as that sounds, to see Malia automatically taking to Jess like she just _knew _he was her father.

"I've missed so much…" He sighs. "I don't want to miss anything else, Rory." Tears are in his eyes. It's strange how vulnerable he looks right now. It's rare that you get to see Jess without his the-world-can-kiss-my-ass exterior.

"You don't have to."

"I want us to live together." He says, pulling his hand away from Malia. She shows obvious displeasure, and shrieks, then blows a raspberry, reaching towards where Jess' hand used to be. She doesn't know where the warm hand went. He smiles, and lets Malia grab his finger again.

"I do, too." I reply, handing Malia to him. He holds her carefully, and he's focusing on her like every moment in his life had prepared him for this moment and this moment alone.

"I have money saved. I've barely spent anything since I started working at Truncheon. We could get an apartment. Not a giant one, but one that's big enough."

"That sounds nice." I laugh. "Better than the shoe box I'm living in right now." I smile at the picture of my daughter and her father getting to know each other. It was beyond what I could have ever imagined. Jess definitely looked like a father right now. How weird! Jess, father. The words had never really gone together in the past, but at this moment nothing seemed more right. Though, I suppose that Rory and mother didn't quite fit either at one time.

"I'll follow you anywhere, Rory." He says, looking up at me for the first time since he'd seen Malia.

And I believe him.

It was weird, being a family and all. Mom really freaked when I told her that Jess and I were getting an apartment. She went on and on about how many times Jess had left, even though more than once it was my fault that he left. She didn't exactly care, though. She was more concerned about the last time, but then again she didn't know that it was my fault he'd left.

He really had tried to stay the last time three times. When he came to see me at Yale, at Truncheon books, and then when Malia was, well, conceived. He was so patient with me. I didn't deserve it.

We found an apartment just outside of Stars Hollow, a bigger place on a second floor with tons of windows, spacious rooms, hardwood floors, and a big kitchen. I loved it, and so did Jess. It seemed all to lucky that things were working out. The first five months of sleep-deprivation, of total terror, of total trial were such a good price for the way things were now.

We got to buy some furniture. Jess certainly wasn't rich, and neither was I, but we could afford a new bed, dresser and some toys for Malia. We also went to a bookstore, and got some brand-new books for our built-in bookshelves.

In those first few weeks, Jess and I got to know each other again. We talked about everything. Books, of course, and music and movies and school and the future and, most importantly, Malia. We developed our emotional relationship before our physical or sexual, but eventually that came, too.

Jess cared for Malia so much. It was so cute, to find him in her nursery in the wee hours of the morning, just watching her breathe. It was the same thing I'd done when she first came into this world. I'd eventually gotten to the point where I didn't panic when I thought of leaving my sleeping baby alone for a few hours, but then again to Jess, Malia was still a newborn.

I pretty much avoided Mom those first few weeks. I knew she wanted the whole scoop, but I didn't know exactly what to tell her. And I didn't want to hear or see her disapproval, if she still didn't support what I was doing. I hoped that Luke would be trying to persuade her into thinking that things were _right_. Because, for right now, things were almost all completely okay.

I also avoided walking around Stars Hollow too much. I avoided going anywhere near Babbette's house (and consequently my mother's) as well as Miss Patty's or anywhere else that gossip hounds might be lurking. These days I was going without many essentials, like deodorant and printer paper, so I didn't have to answer any pestering people's inquiries. That was one of the things that made my life not completely okay.

Grandma called a week after Jess and I moved in together. I don't know how she found out, but somehow she did.

"So. You're living with that boy?"

"He's hardly a boy, Grandma."

"Even so. Is this the boy Malia's father?"

"Yes, Grandma."

"So why aren't you getting married?"

"Grandma," I start, exasperated. Why in the world was I repeating her name so much? "We don't want to get married yet." I so wanted this conversation to be over _right now_. I was pretty over my Grandmother at this point.

"That's not the responsible thing to do, Rory." She says intensely. I can feel a regular Gilmore fight coming on.

"In your eyes or in mine?"

"You are becoming just like your mother!" She shouts, and with that I hang up the phone. I love how she says that like it's a bad thing. I would give just about anything to be more like Mom.

Ever since I moved out of their house that summer a while ago, Grandma never really forgave me. Grandpa was obviously okay with my choices (except for anything I'd done since Jess had come back) but my relationship with him suffered greatly due to the fact that I couldn't stand to be around my grandmother.

After the call, I started thinking about how much my relationship with Grandma and Grandpa had suffered when I was young due to the ill feelings between them and my mother.

I didn't want Malia to suffer the same way because I was too afraid to talk about what I was feeling with Mom. I was a coward, in the truest sense of the word. A chicken. Neither Mom nor Malia nor Jess deserved to have me in their life. They deserved someone so much better.

Every colicky night, every time that Malia cried, I wished that Mom was there to give me her expert advice. (Note the sarcasm when I say "expert", please. Just kidding.) Though it was so nice to have Jess there with me to help, I needed my mom, too.

The same night that Grandma had called, at around two in the morning, I said goodbye to Jess and took Malia with me to see Mom.

I let myself into the house, and started to go upstairs before I froze.

Crap.

This was no longer my mom's house. This was Mom and Luke's house. Seeing one of his ever-present flannel shirts hanging on the back of a chair already made me feel like I was trespassing.

I don't know if it was kismet or what, but as I stood there, contemplating what to do, the woman who was my mother came around the corner and out of the kitchen.

"Whoa!" She half-yelled, grabbing her chest and jumping back a few feet, causing the following Paul Anka (the dog) to spazz and gallop to the corner of the room behind the kitchen table. "Crap. Do not sneak up on me like that!"

"I didn't sneak up on you! I was standing right here!" We stare at each other a few seconds, until Mom exclaims,

"'Calgon, take me away!' What is that stench?" She scrunches up her nose. "Diaper change!" She sung out, gracefully snatching the carrier out of one hand and the diaper bag out of another. She retreated to the kitchen, and I followed her.

"So why are you up so late?" I ask as she roots through the diaper bag and starts setting out her supplies in a strait line on the kitchen table.

"Hungry." She grins, and I see a half-eaten cheesecake on the kitchen counter.

"You should keep that closed. You're going to get mice."

"Well don't you sound like a mommy." I narrow my eyes. "Stop it. It's creepy." Mom laughs, starting to change Malia.

"So," she starts, barely paying attention to the task at hand. It seems that being twenty-four years out of practice doesn't seem to phase her. "Why'd you finally decide to make an appearance? Luke and I have been wondering if you and Jess had run off or something."

"I figured it was time to let you know what's going on."

"Finally." She sighs, pressing down the last tab on the diaper and holding drowsy, freshly changed Malia in the air and giving her a butterfly kiss. Malia groggily giggles. "So, let's hear it."

And I tell her everything.

Two days later, Jess and I were in bed around eleven at night, when I looked out the open window to see big, fat snowflakes falling from the sky. The ground was covered in a film of white, and God, it looked so magical.

"Jess." I said, shaking his shoulder. "Wake up." He sleepily rolled over on his back, and opened his eyes.

"What?"

"I have an idea. So get up, and get dressed. Wear something warm." I get out of bed myself, and pull on snow boots, my bright red wool coat with the big black buttons, a hat, a scarf, and then jog to Malia's nursery. I dress her in multiple layers and swaddle her with a quilt, and then get our red wagon out of the closet. I line the wagon with another couple of quilts, and make her a little pillow out of my favorite baby blanket of hers.

Jess was up, though he was half-asleep, and he wore somewhat warm clothes.

"You look good." He says when he sees me.

"I look like a marshmallow."I laugh, and Jess pushes a stray, curly brown hair out of my face and behind my ear. The gesture was amazingly sweet.

"So will you tell me what's going on?"

"Nope, nope, nope. You'll just have to be surprised!" I waggle my eyebrows and laugh again, leading him and the wagon out the door and into the hallway. He carries the wagon carefully down the steps and out the door, then gives the handle to me, opting to put his arm around my waist instead. I snuggle close into his warm body.

We continued down the road towards the Town Square. I watch the snow falling all around us.

Snow. I guess snow is kind of my mom's thing, but I've always had a sort of thing for the snow. It's beautiful and fun to play in and so magical. I hoped to instill a love for that white, fluffy stuff in Malia just as my mother had.

While we walked past Peach Street, I let my mind wander.

I suppose I've been holding on to all of my old memories and ways dearly, trying to keep a hold of who I've been. The girl who never really makes mistakes or, when she does, like with Dean and quitting Yale, fixes the problem and making it go away.

But Malia can't go away. And there's nothing in me that wants her to go away. I guess it's the disapproval that pours from every member of Stars Hollow that I want to go away. It's not that I necessarily believe that Malia's conception was a mistake, and neither do they, it's that I believe the mistake was _when_ she was conceived, if that makes any sense. Malia herself was not the mistake.

Like, say Malia had been born while me and Jess were together, in a stable, average relationship, I don't think anybody would be thinking any less of me. If I had waited until Jess and I were sure we were what we both wanted, then there would be absolutely no problem.

Though the regret was starting to go away. The only thing I really regretted at the moment was leaving Jess that morning. I was horrified with my stupid, careless, cowardly reaction to sleeping with him. What had I really been so afraid of? I suppose I was afraid to jump back into another meaningless relationship. I didn't want another Dean repeat, or even a Logan repeat. I was afraid. That was pretty much it. It was really too bad that my knee-jerk response really did sort of ruin our first time.

Right now I wasn't afraid. I was only afraid of how much I'd hurt him in times past. One specific instance scared me the worst. So I had to know.

"Jess?" I asked, finally. He looked up at me. "What were you thinking that morning, when I left you?" I was taking a chance with this question. I wasn't so sure I actually wanted to know.

Jess looked down for a second, and kicked the snow with the toe of his shoe. He had a look on his face like he didn't want to remember that morning. I wondered how bad I'd hurt him. It wasn't like he'd ever talked about it. I think this was the key to giving up all of my doubts and fears. If I knew how awfully I'd damaged him, then I could find a way to make things right, and then I could finally let go and start over.

"I was… thinking… no, agonizing over what I could have possibly done wrong. Everything seemed so right to me and then you left. I didn't understand. And then you were avoiding me. So I assumed the worst and went back to Philadelphia."

"You didn't do anything wrong." I said quietly, feeling horrible. "Did you feel bad for very long?"

"Yes. I was fairly tortured with it until the day I got your letter. And then I was finally okay. I had a daughter, and the woman I loved wanted me back in her life, or at least our daughter's life."

"I want you in both mine and Malia's life. For the long haul."

"I'll be in yours as long as you want me."

"I hope you're right because I want you along for a really long time." I smile. He reaches over and grabs my free hand, and squeezes it. "Do you know how different you are than you were in High School? Even when I saw you at Truncheon. You've changed so much."

"In a bad way?"

"In a good way. You're more mature. But, all of your good qualities stayed with you. A new and improved Jess with all of the excellent stuff still in there."

"Why, thank you." He thought on that for a second, and then said, "You know, you're different, too." I was surprised by that. I thought I'd stayed pretty much the same.

"Really?"

"You've calmed down a lot. You're not as fast-paced."

"I've stopped drinking coffee." I explain with a strait face. He doesn't buy it.

"No you haven't."

"Are you kidding me? Of course I've stopped. I have not had one drop of coffee since I found out I was pregnant." So _ha_.

"I haven't noticed."

"How long have we been living together?" I ask, not really expecting an answer. Jess doesn't even have to think about it, though.

"One month."

"Whoa. I'm impressed. You really have changed." I say with faux dreaminess, batting my eyes like a little girl talking about her prince charming. In a way I suppose Jess was my prince charming. Well, not exactly like the whole Cinderella-Sleeping-Beauty way, but he still was everything I've ever wanted or needed. It's just taken me this long to figure out.

"I love you, Rory. I had to change, to give you what you deserve."

"You didn't change for me." I say, a statement, not a question. Of course he didn't. That would be stupid…

"Do you know how long I've been waiting for you, Rory? How long I've been waiting for you to come back? To say you love me like I love you?"

"Oh." He seems to be waiting for me to say something else. And then something clicks. He wants me to do the last thing he's been waiting for. I can't believe he needs me to say it. I thought what I felt for him was so completely _obvious_. Apparently, it wasn't, or else Jess was just a little insecure. The thought of Jess being the least bit unsure of himself was hilarious, but I didn't laugh.

I didn't need to think about it, like I had with Dean. There would be no pro-con lists. No spelling every little detail of what the phrase would mean so that I belittled the importance of the words I was saying.

"I love you, Jess." I said, and I'd never meant any words more than I meant the ones I'd just said.


	3. Chapter Three: Saying Goodbye to Paul

I do not own anything. Please read and review.

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Chapter Three

Saying Goodbye to Paul Anka

I imagine that I shouldn't have been stunned that just as soon as my life got on track, when things got seriously excellent, that something just had to take a turn for the worst. It was like I was using up more than my share of the world's quantity of happiness. I guess when I think about it, that maybe it's better for what happened to have happened, rather than some little girl getting cancer, just because I was using more happiness than I was allowed to have.

Is there such a thing as being too blissed? (I'm not entirely sure if that's a word.)

I guess at some point when joy is all you know, even the little things start feeling really awful. Like, say my entire life became just like some cartoon, where nothing bad ever happened, then something small, like misplacing my sunglasses would just totally cause my world to fall apart.

So I suppose that a good dose of discontent is healthy every once in a while.

So, anyway, you must be wondering what happened to make me so unhappy.

It wasn't really a very bad thing, like, I can think of ten other worse things really quickly. But it really hit me hard, because I'd just gotten my mother back after a _looong_ time of avoiding her.

"Hello, loin-fruit." Lorelai Gilmore had cheerfully said when she had called on a stormy Monday morning, five weeks after Jess had come back.

"Hello, Mommie Dearest." I'd replied, and she made an unhappy noise.

"Excuse me?"

"No more wire hangers!" I shouted, laughing. Malia shrieked at my sudden loudness, clapping her hands from where she sat in Jess' arms. "Just kidding. Let's start over. Hello, Mom."

"So, I have good news."

"Good news, ey?"

"Are we English, now?"

"Well, we speak English."

"_Anyway_…" She drew the word out, faking exasperation. "Good news. Luke, April and I are going to take a 'round the country trip in the beginning of June through August."

"In two weeks?" I squeaked, afraid for her answer. She _couldn't _leave now. I still needed so much help with Malia. I looked at Jess, and he had a confused expression on his face like he was trying to figure out what had made me so instantly upset.

"Uhh, if that's the beginning of June, then, yes." Mom was talking even faster than she usually did out of excitement.

"With April and Luke?"

"With April and Luke, and Paul Anka is going, too."

"Paul Anka?"

"Paul Anka." She repeats.

"In two weeks."

"In two weeks!" Mom laughs. "What's the matter, Rory?" Once again, I feel bad for shoving my gloom on my ecstatic mother.

"Nothing…" Is my knee-jerk response, but then I think better of it. Might as well tell her now, since she'll more than likely get it out of me at some point, just in a more embarrassing way. "It's just that my entire family is leaving me!"

"You still have Jess and Malia, Rory. Don't be ridiculous." I narrowed me eyes. Well, _duh_. That wasn't my point, though.

"Yes, but the rest of my family is leaving."

"Rory…" she sighed, as if debating whether or not to continue. "You need to grow up some, babe. You can live without me for a couple weeks. And there is this handy invention called a _telephone_ that can keep us in touch. Have you heard of it?"

"Mom. Okay. I get it, alright?" We talk for a few more minutes, and then hang up. I put my head in my hands, take a deep breath, then look at Jess. My eyes widen a little, and I laugh.

Jess has his head leaned back against the couch, asleep, and Malia is also asleep, laying facedown along Jess' torso. Jess has his arms around her, supporting her even in his slumber.

I go into the bedroom, get my camera out of the closet and snap multiple pictures from different angles. Just as I'm taking the last one, Jess' eyes fly open and he jerks, waking Malia, who starts to cry loudly.

"What?" He asks, defensive when he sees the camera. I roll my eyes and show him the different pictures on the Nikon's screen. He laughs a little, but has this sweet smile on his face. He kisses Malia on the top of her head, and cuddles her close.

It was amazing, how Jess looked at her.

It was impossible to explain, so beyond words.

Sometimes I found myself yearning that Christopher was more like Jess. How much of my life had been spent wishing my Dad had been there?

I really didn't care that Mom and Chris didn't work out. They were not right for each other.

It did bother me that he'd disappeared afterwards. I mean, I get it. You're hurt and you're still in love with Mom and blah, blah, blah.

I'm still you're daughter.

You're still a grandfather.

Where were his responsibilities?

I think Christopher is one of those people who never really grow up. They're still stuck with that teenager mentality that you're mistakes don't hurt anyone, that you can do whatever you want and someone else will pick up the pieces.

I really didn't want him to come back. I was fairly done with my so-called father. I loved him so much, but I was tired of his appear-and-disappear game. He could go be a father to G.G., that was fine with me. I was sort of passed the point where I needed a father.

I was not who I was because of my father. All he had caused in my life was conflict and problems and stress. I was so beyond done with it.

I hoped to God in my heart of hearts that Jess would continue to be the father he was. I didn't want Malia to have to deal with a father like Chris.

-----

I kept my mouth shut, I really did. Though I wanted to scream and cry much more than I did, I peacefully let him go as soon as he promised to explain at a later date. I did not make a big thing about it. I trusted his judgment, trusted that he wasn't trying to hurt me, that he really, really had to go. That he had no other choice.

It was a Tuesday. Malia's half-birthday, paradoxically. We were planning a last-minute party with my mom and Luke and April, along with Liz, TJ, and Doula, like the stupid brand-new parents we were. He should have been there. This wasn't something you just bailed out on. He hadn't gotten to celebrate her 24-hour birthday and her one month birthday or any of those lame things that I celebrated while he was gone.

It had been a good day. Normal, but good.

That morning, ha. Funny story. That morning I'd walked into the little laundry room by the kitchen when I heard the washing machine already running.

"Jess!" I'd called, wondering. He'd come around the corner with a cooing Malia in his arms.

"What?"

"Did you start a load of laundry?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Really? Without me?" I laughed, and looked in the color separator hamper. "You even sorted everything!" Then I reached into the colored laundry, and dug through it. "You sorted it _right_, too!"

"Why, golly, it's a miracle!" He'd teased me. I'd just walked up to him, put my hands on either side of his face, and kissed him softly in return.

"You're the best."

Anyway, it was a pretty excellent day. We'd taken another walk around Stars Hollow (no snow or wagon this time) with Malia, and had stopped by Mom's for a little visit.

Jess got the call at like, four in the morning. The home phone rang way too stridently, waking not only me and Jess but Malia, too. Her cries were louder than the ringing, and I ran to her room to calm her down while Jess ran to the phone.

I came back to the bedroom to find him throwing clothes into a duffel bag.

"What's going on, Jess?"

"I've got to go… My dad… Gotta get a lawyer… Luke… Can't work at diner… Call Borders…" Alright, he wasn't making any sense. He was a manager at Borders, and picked up some extra shifts at the Luke's every once in a while. Okay… That meant that he wouldn't be able to work for a while.

Now, what about a lawyer?

His dad?

"Jess? Tell me what's going on." I clutched his arm to stop him from looking away, and he stared at me through frenzied eyes. He shook his head, and broke free from my grasp, continuing to pack. He zipped up the bag, and headed towards the door. I ran after him. "What are you doing? Where are you going?" When he didn't answer, just got his keys out of the bowl by the front door, I went ballistic. I completely lost it.

"Why won't you _talk to me?_" I virtually screamed. "Damnit! Tell me what's going on and I can help!" Finally, he turned around.

"I'll call you when I get there, and I'll explain. But I don't have time now. I have to _go_." He said the words through nearly gritted teeth, and his eyes were pleading for me to just let him go. "Please, Rory. I'll be back. I promise."

"You will?" I ask, tears in my eyes.

"Yes." He says, monosyllabic as ever. Finally he adds in a couple more syllables. "Now, don't cry." He smiles crookedly, and looks more like Jess again. "I love you. Always and forever."

I bite my tongue, holding back the millions of responses that I had, and silently let him go.

When the door closed and he was gone, it was all I could do to hold back tears. What was _happening_? I didn't know whether to be nervous, scared, or just really, really pissed.

It just _would_ be the very next day that Malia said her very first word. And guess what word it was?

"Da-Da?" She said in a fairly confused tone. She was in her crib and was reaching out, like Da-Da had suddenly turned invisible and was right there.

Every single day after that she "discovered" a new word and said it as much as possible. It was almost like Malia knew she was doing something really cool, and wanted to make sure that somebody heard.

That day, I used my new photo-printer to make lots of copies of my favorite angle of Jess and Malia from that day when they fell asleep.

I framed it, and set it in what would be it's permanent place on Malia's dresser.

I did this because, no matter what was going to happen, I wanted Malia to know that her father had been here at one point and loved her so much.

I never wanted her to doubt that.

----

Luke was pretty upset that Jess had left without saying goodbye or explaining why he was leaving, which I was surprised by, considering that Luke always trusted Jess' judgment with stuff like this.

But, it was Mom's reaction that surprised me the most.

"Rory, he wouldn't just leave if he didn't have to." She said when I told her that Jess had left. "I've seen the way he looks at Malia and you. I'm pretty sure he'd rather die than run off."

"So why did he leave?" I'd countered.

"He must have had a responsibility somewhere else."

She'd said it so matter-of-factly, like her logic was completely without fault.

"And why is it that I trust him more than you?" She'd also countered.

I hadn't had an answer for that. I suppose it was because I was expecting him to someday hurt me as much as I'd hurt him. Any day now I was positive he'd call and say that he'd had a girlfriend when we were apart and she was pregnant and he wanted to stay with her because he'd missed Malia's birth and wanted to be a part of his new baby's life. Something classically Christopher Hayden-like. Of course. Only a couple of days after I prayed that Jess wouldn't turn into my dad, he did something just like Chris would do. Maybe I should start wishing for things I didn't want, and then I'd actually get what I want.

But trying to out-smart the space-time-continuum is never a good idea.

April baby-sat for me a lot while I was at work, since she was out of school for the summer, and my Mom always babysat when April couldn't. But soon my free baby-sitters would be leaving, and then I didn't know what I was going to do. Daycare, I guess. Again. Lane could baby-sit every once in a while, but the twins were still only three years old. They were enough of a handful without a baby.

Great. Back to single-parenthood. I wonder how long it's going to last this time.

Finally, Luke, April, Paul Anka, and Mom had to leave. I helped them carry their bags out to April's car (Yes, car. She'd just turned sixteen and her mom had gotten her a car. It wasn't very big, but it was bigger than Mom's ancient Jeep and Luke's truck).

Loading Paul Anka into the backseat with April, I was faced with saying goodbye to my mother for two long months.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you." I say. "Especially now that Jess is gone."

"You'll find a way, babe. You're strong and smart and resourceful. If I can do it, you sure as hell can do it." I hated that she always put herself down like that. She was and is way smarter than I am.

"I know." I'd just sighed. "I'll just have to suck it up and wing it." Wing it. Two words no parent ever wants to use in regard to their child.

"C'mon…" Luke prompted. I narrow my eyes at him, semi-jokingly, and he looks away.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye, then." I say.

"I guess so." Lorelai Gilmore said, biting her lip.

"Call me. All the time."

"I'm going to miss you."

"Give me updates on Malia." I took a profound breath, and smiled half-heartedly. At the same time, we reached for each other, and she enveloped me into a very maternal embrace.

"I love you."

"Always." She says, and then gets into the coupé.

I wave and wave and wave until I'm sure that they're already out of Stars Hollow. I think I'm developing OCD or something.

After that, I'd gone back to the apartment, and bawled for the very first time since Jess had left.

After that, I vowed I would never shed another tear for Jess. If he was just going to leave without a word, then I wasn't going to mourn him.

It sort of made me mad, that he still hadn't called. He said he'd call once he got to wherever he was going. And since a charge to American Airlines had showed up on his credit card that night when he left, I knew that he had already arrived. I don't think there's anywhere on the planet that takes a week to fly to.

Even if I was mad, I was still insanely curious about where he was, and very worried about what he was doing.

----

A week after Jess had left, the phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered, already impatient. I still had to drop Malia off at Lane's, and I was already late for work. My boss was going to freak. I'd just finally been offered a full-time writing job in the Politics section of the newspaper, and it was too early into the job to start showing up late.

"Rory." The proverbial voice said back.

It was Jess.


	4. Chapter Four: City of Blinding Lights

I don't own anything. Except for Malia, I guess, but who cares?

Please read & review. Constructive criticism is more than welcome. But don't post anything about how much you hate the story. It hasn't happened yet, but don't even think about it. Just tell me what you think would make it better, and then move along, please. Thanks.

Now, enjoy Chapter Four. It's a shocking one... Some of you might be mad at me for this one. But hey, what can I say? I needed some drama.

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Chapter Four

City of Blinding Lights

"Jess." I said in a sort of wonder. I speculated what he could possibly have to tell me. I had a million ideas, and not many of them were very nice. It just made me _so mad_ that he hadn't called earlier.

"Rory." He repeated redundantly.

"Are you waiting for _me_ to say something?" I inquire, trying to convey just how absurd that would be.

"No. I'm just trying to find a way to say this, actually…" He paused for a few seconds, and then continued. "I'm not going to be able to come home for a while. Some stuff came up, and it's not a good time to be back in Stars Hollow."

Okay. Could he be any more vague?

"You've _got _to be more specific, Jess. You owe it to me to say exactly what's going on. You owe your _daughter_, actually. Your daughter who wants to know where her father is." Maybe it was a low-blow, trying to guilt him into telling me, but I honestly didn't care.

"My dad's missing. Something happened with him and his wife. You know that they had a kid? I have a half-sister. Apparently they divorced because he was on all kinds of drugs and she took Keely away from him and he kidnapped her back. They don't know where either of them are."

Oh.

Oh, my God.

This was so… dramatic. Not your average Stars Hollow drama, but like, TNT-worthy drama.

And I felt absolutely horrible.

Of course I had expected the worst on Jess' part. I just assumed that he'd done something so unthinkably mean and immature.

When, in fact, I was the one being immature.

Jess was going through and insurmountable amount of pain and stress right now, and I was so busy making accusations that I hadn't even thought that it was something beyond his control.

"What… do you have to do about it?" Was all I could manage to say. How did you even go about resolving something like your half-sister being kidnapped by your father?

This kind of stuff just didn't _happen_ around here. It happened in other places far, far away. The thought of it happening to someone I knew was beyond scary.

"Look for him. Keely's five years old, and she called from some skanky hotel in Philadelphia, because Dad had disappeared for like, three days. Apparently he was looking for me to help him out." He says the words with disgust.

"And you haven't heard from either of them since?" He sighs, and I take that as a _no_. "Jess, let me help. Please."

"No, Rory. You have your job and Malia and… Just let me handle it." He seems reluctant to say the words.

"I can quit! I'll be fine!"

"Rory, be realistic." Once again, he is ostensibly forcing the words out. He really wants to be with us, I can tell. The thought makes me feel a little better about what's going on.

"Can we at least visit? I have Friday through Monday off, we could come see you for a little while. Help out some. There's got to be something I can do."

"Well… Right now I'm in L.A., but I'm about to head out to Philly with Kate." I assume Kate is his dad's ex-wife.

"So we can come see you?"

"Yep."

"Where are you going to be in Philadelphia?"

"The guys from Truncheon said I could come stay with them again. I guess we can get a hotel around there or something instead."

"Sounds good."

"I'll see you Friday, then."

"Friday." I repeat, nodding my head in affirmation. Okay. We were going to go see him. I was going to be able to help out. It was so… _pleasant_ to be able to know what was going on.

"I love you, Rory." Were his parting words.

----------------

It was hard for me to wait until Friday, but somehow I made it. Packing Malia and a week's worth of stuff into the car, I was nearly delirious with excitement. I was going to see him. Very soon.

When we arrived in Philadelphia, the first thing I did was drive strait to Truncheon. I left everything in the car except for Malia, and run inside. I found him with two others guys who were arguing about something book-like. I can't even explain how amazing it was to see him again. I had missed him so much in the past two weeks that it was insane. I was always wanting him back… I had begun to miss the strangest things, like the smell of his aftershave lingering in the bathroom after his shower, or the way he always emailed me a quote that he liked from the book he was reading at the moment while I was at work.

"Jess!" I said a little louder than necessary when I caught sight of him. He turned towards where the voice was coming from, and a big smile broke out on his face. He ran towards us, picking me and Malia- who was in my arms- up off the ground in a big hug. Malia squealed and clapped her hands together when she saw her "Da-Da".

"Rory…" He murmurs in my ear, not letting us go.

"Can't… Breathe!" I choke out over-dramatically. He lets us go, and I hand him his daughter. He kisses her forehead and murmurs reassurances that he won't ever leave into her ear as she hits him on the head and giggles as his breath tickles her ear.

The three of us leave Truncheon Books together, and we get into my car, heading towards the hotel where Jess has already checked us in. He helps me carry our weeks'-worth of stuff to the elevator, and we grin at each other when we're inside. I can tell that he's just as happy to see me as I am to see him.

That day was spent just the two of us, and Malia, who spent most of the time sleeping since we'd left really early in the morning. We were both hyper-aware of what the separation had done to us, and we spent nearly the whole day fixing that. When both of us were spent, physically, we laid back on the bed and started talking. I told him of everything Malia had done and said while he was gone, and I was surprised to see tears in his eyes when he heard her first word. He'd blinked them away quickly, but still.

"Alright." I said when I was done giving him updates. "So what's happening with your dad?"

"Kate has called the police, and they're looking everywhere. I'm not sure why she called me, also, but whatever. I like being here to help. Keely's my sister, after all. Anyway… Basically I've just been fielding phone calls while Kate helps the police. She's basically telling them everything she knows and telling them everywhere he might have gone. They're handling it, Rory. Don't worry." I didn't know that I looked worried until he took his thumb and smoothed out the furrow of concern that had formed between my brows.

"I'm fine. Just… poor Keely. Who does that? Just kidnaps their daughter? Ugh. It makes me sick." I practically spit. I shake my head, trying to make the irritation go away. It wasn't my problem to deal with.

"Well, Dad's pretty messed up. He's not thinking right." I roll my eyes. Like that's an excuse.

Malia wakes up then, and we spend the rest of the night watching her do cute things. It was like we had just so much catching up to do, and it was best done in silence.

I'd never really realized just how much I loved Jess until he left. It was like, hey, this is the guy that I dated in High School and kind of had a thing for back in the day and now he's just the father of my child so we're together because we _need _to be. Yeah, I "liked" him-as Junior High as that sounds- but there was no need to be with him, no need to touch him or hear him say that he loved me. I suppose it's because we never got a chance to date. We had no idea if we were right for each other, but we were making this last for Malia's sake.

Before Malia was born, before Jess came back, my entire life was hanging on by a thread. The littlest thing could fray that thread and then I was falling. Like back before with Mitchum. I should not have freaked the way I did. But I never fully got back to normal. I was just waiting for something to go wrong, waiting for someone to hurt me so I could go back in that downward spiral. I wasn't living to be happy, wasn't "seizing the day". I was living in fear, because I knew that it would be so easy to take away the little happiness I have and make it go away. But, now, my life is not hanging on by a thread, it's hanging on by steel cables to Malia and Jess and my Mom and Luke and April and Lane and my job at the paper and so many other things. I've learned to finally be _happy_, just because I want to be. I've finally been able to live to the fullest with how little or how much happiness I have.

And, believe me, it's an awesome feeling.

----------------

The next week was repetitive, but still good. During the days Jess would go over to Kate's and would help her field phone calls, and sometimes, when Kate got a lead as to where he might be (I found out that she's a police officer) Jess would sometimes go with her. According to Jess, Kate was really lonely without her daughter and husband, and she liked having someone to at least be with.

Nights belonged to Jess and I. He would usually get home around seven o'clock, and he would spend some time with Malia before putting her to sleep in the other room. And then we would eat dinner and spend the night doing what we pleased.

On Tuesday, Jess got a call in the middle of the night from Kate saying that she'd gotten another phone call from Keely. She'd stayed on the phone long enough to tap the line to find out where she was calling from, and had immediately called Jess so they could go to some hotel on the outskirts of town.

I spent the rest of the day with Malia. I was trying to teach her new words. She'd been learning words so quickly lately that it was insane. She was starting to make some sense, and it was a lot easier for her to communicate, like when she wanted something.

"Where Da-Da?" She asked at one point during the day.

"Daddy's out."

"Where?"

"I'm not sure. We don't need to worry about it."

"Well, _actually_," She starts, turning her palms over so they faced up and shrugging her shoulders. It was so cute that I started absolutely cracking up. I so wished that I had had a video camera around. I also wished the Jess could have seen it. But whatever. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't be here right now.

An hour before Jess was supposed to get home, I got a phone call.

"Is this Rory Gilmore?" A voice asked.

"This is she. How can I help you?"

"This is Dr. Aurora King from St. Mary's General Hospital in Columbia, Ohio. Are you the daughter of Lorelai Gilmore, step-daughter of Luke Danes? Do you have a step-sister named April?" My heart skips a beat, and my voice falters.

"Y-yes."

"I'm afraid there has been an accident. Is there any way you can get here, soon?"

We talk for a few more minutes, and then I'm packing like mad. Malia seems shaken up by my sudden anxiety and panic, but she doesn't say anything or cry. She just sits in her play-pin and watches me throw things into suitcases.

As I'm packing, Jess comes through the door.

"Rory, what's going on?" He asks, confused.

"Mom, Luke and April are in the hospital. I'm going, now." I can barely spit the words out. I point to two suitcases, and he goes and picks them up. I grab Malia and to others bags, and head to the elevator.

When we're outside, Jess keeps asking questions, and I keep ignoring him. I pack everything inside the car, including Malia, and get in the driver's side.

"I'll call you when I get there."

"Rory, stop! Tell me what's going on!"

"I don't have time, Jess. I'm so sorry." I kiss him once, twice, three times, and bite my lip. "I've just really got to go."

And then I do.

----------------

I caught a flight to Columbia for an hour later. I was nearly delirious with panic as I waited with Malia in my lap at the airport. My mind kept mulling over the many possibilities of what was happening at this very moment at St. Mary's.

I got a rental car and drove as fast as I possibly could to the hospital, using the GPS on my phone.

When I got there, I found the emergency room, and then found the Dr. King. She looked solemn when she saw me.

"What?" I ask, my eyes widening.

"Luke was pretty banged up, and so was April. Lorelai was in the passenger seat, and for some reason the air bag didn't go off. She was ejected from the car. We did forty-five minutes of CPR, we even intubated her and shocked her multiple times. We gave her lots of medicine, and she did not respond." I knew what was coming before she said it. "I'm sorry, Rory, but your mother died."

Malia was in my arms, and that was all that kept me from losing consciousness. That was really too bad. It would have been so nice to just let go of all feeling for just a little while.

This way I felt every pain. Like a knife in the stomach, like getting run over by a steam-roller, like getting your hair ripped out from the roots, like childbirth, just worse. I could not describe a worse hurt than this.

I sensed the tears more than felt them fall. My chin quivered, and I sniffed a little. Somehow I was following Dr. King into a Trauma room.

There, laying motionlessly on a gurney, was not a person I recognized.

Oh, I could tell it was Mom, of course, but this was not the Mom I remembered. She was too pale, her eyes were closed, and she was not moving. Lorelai Gilmore was always moving. From the time I was born on, she never stopped. Backwards or forwards, side to side, it didn't matter.

There was a tube coming out of her throat, and more tubes coming out of her arm. A blanket covered her up from toes to chin, and I could only imagine how bad everything else looked underneath. I didn't want to know.

"Mom…" I said softly, the tears falling even harder. I touched her hand, and then pulled it away as fast as I could. She was so… cold.

I never wanted to feel like this ever again. The insurmountable amount of grief and agony and torture was more than I could possibly bear.

My Mom… Lorelai Gilmore… Dead. No longer existing. Not _here_. Not on the Earth, but somewhere else. So why did I have this compelling need to be near her body? It wasn't like she was there anymore. This was just… leftover Mom. A corpse. What I really needed to be with is her soul, her essence.

"Goodbye, Mom." I said into the air.

And I knew that she was listening.


	5. Chapter Five: Tearing Down

I believe you will all be pleased with Chapter Five.

Please read & review. (By the way, your reviews from Chapter Four CRACKED me up! I just love how passionate people are about Gilmore Girls. It's the best.)

* * *

Chapter Five

Tearing Down

I awoke with a start, tears streaming down my face. My heart was beating frantically and my breathing was staggered. It took a whole lot of effort to inhale and exhale. I let out a mangled gasp, and Jess woke.

"Wha…? What's going on?" He asks, not fully coherent yet.

"There's something wrong with Mom." I say, getting out of bed. "I just know it." The truth was overwhelming right now. That dream had been so real, the pain so genuine that it made me crazy. It was very nearly impossible to believe that it was really just a dream. I grab the bedside phone, and dial Mom's cell phone. No answer. Then Luke's… Still no answer. I dial April's, and she answers.

"Hello?" She asks, sounding groggy. I wonder if I just woke her up.

"Is everything alright?" I ask, hoping that nothing is wrong. I hoped my dream was just a dream and nothing more, but I still had this horrible feeling that something was not right.

April pauses for a few moments, and the wait was making me nearly delirious. I peeked over at Jess, who was now sitting up, watching me intently. I know I'm acting pretty crazy right now, but the feeling is just so freaking _powerful_. It's a more forceful and compelling feeling than any other emotion I've ever had before.

"There was a car wreck." She says. Whoa… "Dad's okay and I'm okay, just a little bit banged up, but Lorelai got it the worst."

"She's… alive, though. Right?" My voice squeaks on the very last word. I wait for her reply in agony.

"She has a broken leg, and a fractured collarbone. They had to protect her airway, so they intubated her. She also has a little bit of whiplash, but she's going to be alright."

"Where are you right now?"

"I'm still at the hospital. Luke's here, too."

"_What _hospital?" I say, not trying to hide my exasperation. April either doesn't notice, or doesn't care.

"County General in Chicago."

"I'll be there soon." We hang up, and I start madly packing. Jess helps a little, not bothering to ask what's going on. When we're outside, packing everything into the car, then he starts asking questions. I give him the bare bones of the story (there was a car wreck, so they're in the hospital) and then got in the car.

"I'll call you when I get there." I promise, and he nods, letting me go.

-------------

One plane flight, one rental car, and one really annoying GPS system later, I was at County General in Chicago. After going through tons of nurses and doctors, I finally found someone who would take me to go see Mom.

She was messed up, alright. A tube came out of her mouth and was hooked up to a ventilator, and there were IVs going out of each arm. Her face was covered in scratches, and there was one big stitched-up gash on her forehead. She was lying motionless, and it was hard to believe that she wasn't really dead. The only thing that convinced me that she was still alive was the steady beeping of the heart monitor next to the bed.

I sat down next to her, and grabbed her hand. It was much warmer than in my dream, thankfully. The steady rise and fall of her chest hitched when I touched her, and I wondered if she could somehow feel it, despite the fact that she's sedated.

Five minutes after I'd gotten there, Luke and April appeared in the room.

"What happened?" I asked through gritted teeth. The two got closer to the bed, and Luke looked with longing at the person on the bed.

"She was driving, and someone hit us. Drunk driver." I sensed that wasn't the whole story, but I didn't care. All I do is nod, and we sit in awkward silence for a while. Finally, Luke says he has to go, and April follows him out.

I spent hours upon hours just sitting here, watching her motionless body.

I needed her.

So much.

-------------

[Two Months Later)

I finally got a chance to talk to Mom, alone. During her recovery, Luke rarely left her side, and, even when we were alone, Mom never wanted to talk about the accident. But today she'd been subtly bringing up bits and pieces of the accident.

"Mom. What _happened_?" From the look on her face, I knew she would give me the whole story. Within moments I was lost in her story, paying rapt attention to the words coming out of her mouth.

"It was raining. Really, really hard. Like, there was a split second after the windshield wipers went across the windows that you could actually see anything. The rain was so loud… It was a blessing when there was lighting. It lit everything and made it possible to see. Luke was only driving like, ten miles an hour but the other guy… The other guy was drunk. He had to be going like, seventy miles an hour. Suddenly there were headlights coming at us and then… Everything went black."

"Oh, God." I mumble, horrified.

"And you know the worst part?" She doesn't wait for my answer. "I found out that I was pregnant. I didn't even known until the doctor said I miscarried in the ambulance. Can you believe that? Pregnant. Me. I was going to have a baby. And that jackass had to go and get on the same _damn _road as us." Tears begin to stream down her face, and I reach out and grab her hand. I feel a few warm tears of my own slide down my face.

This is so, so unfair.

Who just does that?

Who gets drunk and gets in a car, not at all worried about the consequences it could have for someone else.

What the _hell?!_

-------------

I stalk down the road in Stars Hollow, pissed beyond belief. Jess follows after me, trying to calm me down.

"Rory, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to go hit something or maim someone! _God_! I want to kill someone!" He grabs my arm, and I whirl around. "_Let me go!_ I need to do something before I lash out at you which I _don't _want to do so please just let me go!"

"Who are you going to kill?"

"I may not kill anyone. Maybe I can settle for hitting or maiming someone. Depends on how satisfying the _whack_ is." Jess laughs a little, and I cross my arms, taking a deep breath. I start to calm down a little, and I narrow my eyes at Jess for making me calm down. Feeling mad is really nice right now.

"Come with me." He says, grabbing my hand. "Please." He looks at me with just a bit of longing.

"Where?"

"Our bridge." The mention of the place we'd gone to so much in High School brought back a flood of memories. I thought of so much… The memories overwhelmed my mind, and for a few seconds I was in my own little world. When I'm back in the present time, I look at Jess, and nod.

"Okay." He leads me in the direction of the bridge, and I follow him without a word. Soon enough we're sitting next to each other on the bridge, our feet dangling towards the water.

The truth of the matter is that Jess and I have barely touched each other since the car accident. The truth of the matter is that I've been freaking out. My entire being craved him but I just couldn't _deal _with everything. It's like I'm just floating out here unable to think about anything but my mother almost dying. Of course my worry was stupid; Lorelai seemed to barely worry about it… I guess now that I knew the worst part of the accident, I knew that she worried a lot more than I'd once thought but still…

I'd shut Jess out. I slept in Malia's nursery to avoid his touch. I'd rushed off to work in the morning, had spent almost all extra time at Mom's house, had shied away from his as much as possible… It was stupid and really, really… childish (who said motherhood made you mature?) but I kept on doing it.

Things were so hard… I was so unhappy… And yet I just kept on avoiding him.

The need on Jess' face tonight was oh so apparent. I think that's what made me come with him. Also, my need for him was so dire that I knew, even if he hadn't asked, I wouldn't have been able to hold out much longer. Ever since he'd come back… He was a part of me. Like the lungs need the brain to function, Rory Gilmore needs Jess Mariano more than anything. He was what kept me happy… Yes, Malia made me happy but if somehow Jess went away, I would never be fully restored. Maybe I'm a flaky parent for feeling like that, but that is how I feel.

I looked over at Jess, and see that he's grinning a little. When he sees me looking at him, he looks away. I laugh.

"What?"

"Nothing much." I nod, figuring he'd tell me if it was important, and we sit in silence for a few minutes. After a little while, Jess sees me smiling, he echoes my question from just before. I just laugh, and keep on smiling.

"Come on, Rory." He's enjoying this, I can tell.

"I was just thinking about the first time we were together on this bridge."

"Oh. I remember. After the whole basket-debacle. I was so pissed about how you kept comparing me to Dean. Like where you said, 'Dean never would have fallen for that.' It made me sick. He's just so _tall _and he's… Dean and yuck. He was bugging the living shit out of me." He shakes his head, and I laugh at the irritated look on his face. I can't believe that Dean still bugs him.

"And then Dean went and talked to my _mother_. It just totally creeped me out. Like, how pathetic are you? And he was talking about how crappy you are and how bad you are for me…" I shudder, and Jess laughs. He's pleased by my opinion of Dean. "And then I asked why you're only nice to me."

"And then I let it out that I'd planned to buy your basket… And then you got pizza with me… And then the bookstore. That's when I stole your bracelet, you know. When we left the bridge."

"Yeah. Mom told me that you stole it." He nods, like he knew that was going to happen.

"And you know, you still owe me for finishing _The Fountainhead_ and not liking it. I was serious when I said that I was going to hold you to it." He says. I think back, and then remember our phone conversation a few days after the Basket Bidding.

"What do you propose?" I ask, smiling.

"Hmm. It took me at least twenty-four hours to finish it, then you owe me an entire day of doing whatever I please." He grins wickedly, and I blush, feeling that ever-present gnaw in my stomach when he looks at me like that.

"What's the first thing?"

"Well, this bridge just seems awfully comfortable and…" To explain better, he leans over and kisses me with some serious passion and… lust and want and desire and need… All those words that make me shudder when I put them and Jess together. He shifts his weight, and the he's leaning over me and then I'm laying on my back and he's on top of me…

I pull off his shirt and run my hands over the planes of his chest. I hear a low moan in his throat, and goosebumps pop up along my skin where his hands touch me.

"All this time…" He starts between kisses. "I needed you…" As soon as the words are out, I practically attack him.

And I never wanted to leave that place.

* * *

Are you all happy that it was just a dream? Lorelai is a-okay! I'd originally planned for Chapter Four to be real life, but then I was like, wait. Where am I going with this? So I just had to keep Lorelai alive.

I was watching the "A-Tisket A-Tasket" Episode while I read this, so that's where the bridge came from. I'd completely forgotten about it until now; I wish I'd brought it into the story before now.

Requests for stories are welcome, so let me know! I'm starting a new story about Rory and Jess called "Road to Nowhere". I'm not sure when I'm going to put it on the website, but I think it's going to be better than this story. It's going to focus completely on Jess and Rory's relationship… Just like, their encounters and stuff. No Malia involved. Whoops, I've said to much.

Remember to read & review! Reviews make me more likely to update faster… Haha. Bribery is awesome.


	6. Chapter Six: Happy Birthday, Baby

Chapter Seven

Happy Birthday, Baby

At exactly 2:24 a.m., I padded into Malia's nursery, picked her up out of her crib, and sat with her in the wooden rocking chair by the window.

"I can't believe how fast you're growing up. So fast…" I began. "What do you think of life so far? Any complaints?" I asked. Malia just giggled in response.

I started again. "You look so much older; You've already grown so much.

"You know what I think? I think you're the nicest, sweetest baby in the entire world… And already I can tell that we're going to be more than mother and daughter. We're going to be best friends." Malia clapped and shrieked in response to my tickling her chin. I rubbed her face with the back of my hand, and she cooed some more, not at all cranky because I woke her up.

I'd heard this speech exactly eighteen times, always at exactly 4:03 a.m. on my birthday, always given by my mother, so I knew it very well.

It felt really odd to be saying it to my own daughter.

"It's so hard to believe that at exactly this time, many moons ago, I was lying in exactly the same position, only I had a huge, fat stomach, and big, fat ankles. I was swearing like a sailor, on leave, and there I was, in labor. While some have called it the the most meaningful experience of your life, to me it was something more akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite."

I heard movement by the door, but didn't care. I was in my own world right now. Well, we were in our own world. Just us, a mother and a daughter.

"And I was screaming and swearing and, being surrounded as I was by a hundred prominent doctors, I just assumed there was an actual use for the cup of ice chips they gave me. There wasn't. But pelting the nurses sure was fun." I smiled at myself, remembering those moments just before Malia was born. I hadn't actually threw any ice chips at the nurses, but I really, really wanted to. I don't think that it has to be said that I was a little pre-occupied at that moment. But I really can just imagine Mom doing just that.

"And then the doctor, well, he sees your head. And he shouts out 'We have hair!' like that's the most exciting thing in the world, and all the while I'm thinking, 'Can you please focus less on the amount of dead cells sprouting from my kid's head and focus more on getting this thing out before I hit you?' And then, not very long later, all of a sudden this big glob of goo was in his hands and they're going on and on about how it's a girl, and though I'm sure I should have been really, really happy, but, really, to me it looked like I'd given birth to something I'd just blown out of my nose onto a tissue. But then they cleaned you up and you were all soft and warm and pink and believe me, honey, you had to have been the prettiest baby I've ever seen. And you were _crying_. Boy, could you cry." I go on talking about what it was like to see her for the very first time and how she had so much personality…

"I love you, Malia. I couldn't ask for a better daughter."

I just sit there for a long time, rocking back and forth, talking to my daughter about the first year of her life. There's more movement at the door, so I look up, startled.

"Oh. Hi, Jess." I say, smiling. "Come on in. I was just having a little heart-to-heart talk with our one-year-old right here." He kneels beside the rocker, and he rubbed his hand against her forehead, like he was feeling for a fever.

"I can't believe she's one year old already…" Jess says. "It makes me feel kinda old."

"Oh, yeah. Go into Denny's before 5:00 and you've got yourself a discount."

"You know what I mean. We have a one year old daughter. One year ago, we became parents." He pauses. "Isn't that weird? A year ago I became a parent, and I had no idea. I was probably asleep when it happened."

"I'm sorry." I say, guilty. I see that Malia's fallen asleep again.

"Don't be sorry. Don't worry about it."

"I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. _Five months_. It took me five months to tell you. That's extreme procrastination right there." I shake my head, semi-disgusted with myself. Jess looks at me carefully, and I realize that he really means it when he says not to worry. I try not to. Instead, I think about how amazing it is that Malia's _one year old_. Agh. It makes me want to scream!

"She's growing up so fast." Jess echoes my thoughts. "Soon she's going to be dating boys and taking the SATs and going to college…" He shudders, and I laugh.

"I think it'll be a while until we have to worry about any of that, Jess." It was kind of funny, the things Jess thought about at random times. Since I'd had nine months to grasp the concept of the fact that I was going to be a _parent_, I was way more settled about this than he was. I'd had time to get used to it… Whereas Jess just had it sprung on him. One day he opened his mail and ta-da! Guess what? Jess, you're a daddy!

He shrugs, and we sit in silence for a while. Suddenly, I start snickering. Jess looks up at me like I've completely lost my mind. But I fall into helpless peals of laughter. I'm holding my sides, tears are rolling down my eyes, the whole bit.

"What?" Jess asks, laughing a little himself.

"'Basket… Basket maker… Guy who didn't bring enough money.'" I laugh. He smiles and shakes his head.

"Dean deserved it. He was bugging me. He just freaked out and went all caveman on you. 'No, Rory. You will not go with him. Now go home and make me a chicken pot pie or I'll whack you with my club and drag you off to my cave.'" He deadpans in a gruff voice.

"Oh, please." I roll my eyes, and stand up. "Let's get out of here before Malia wakes up." I grab his hand and lead him out into the living room. I flop down on the couch, laying on my back, and Jess gets on top of me, supporting his weight with his hands, which are on both sides of me. I close my eyes, and let out a deep breath, very tired.

"Hey. My twenty-four hours still aren't up." I open my eyes, and he grins.

"God, Jess. I'm tired. Can't your twenty-four hours continue tomorrow?"

"Hell, no."

"What would you like, then? Chicken pot pie?" I laugh, and he grins once again, kissing me lightly on the forehead.

"Nope. How about you read to me?"

"What book?" I ask, groaning. He'd probably pick like, some Kafka thing that's way too much for my brain this time of night. He starts to laugh, and I except the worst.

"_The Fountainhead_." Okay. That was definitely _not _what I was expecting.

"What the _hell_?" I ask, rolling my eyes.

"I read it about a year ago. Just to try it again. Loved it."

"Okay, now you get to _go _to hell. It's been twenty-four hours of doing what _you _want, and you actually liked _The Fountainhead_? Now get off of me." I kick him off, and he rolls to the floor, laughing. He pulls me down as he falls, so that I land on top of him. "Get off of me, you jerk." I laugh. I feel like we're teenagers again.

"I didn't like it back when you offered to pay me back." I roll off him so that we're laying next to each other on the floor, and laugh, totally not believing him.

"Whatever! You just said you didn't like it because you wanted for me to owe you."

"Yeah, right. You overestimate my smarts sometimes, Gilmore." I roll my eyes at what he called me, and roll over so I'm facing him. I curl into his side, running my hand over his chest absently while we talk.

"Oh, please, _Mariano_. You were doing anything and everything to get me around you back then."

"Wow, aren't we full of ourselves? And, besides, like you weren't panting after me from the moment you first laid eyes on me."

"Uh, actually, I thought you were a total jackass back then, too." I half-lie. Yeah, he was a jerk back then, but _man_ did I want to be with him. I thought of nothing but Jess Mariano basically from the first month that he showed up.

"Liar."

"Takes one to know one."

"That's original. Right up there with 'I'm rubber, you're glue; whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.'"

"Ha-ha. Now shut up and kiss me again." I grin, and pull him back on top of me.

Where he stays until dawn.

-------------

Jess, Malia and I had a private birthday party bash at the apartment the next morning. I decorated the kitchen with streamers and balloons, and looked the other way when Jess gave Malia little bites of cake. As long as he was changing her diapers for the next twelve hours, I didn't care. Let him learn why you don't feed a one-year old icing.

Malia seemed happy with all of the attention she was getting, especially when Mom and Luke stopped by to hang out for a while. (I think Mom really came for the cake, but who really knows?)

After Luke and Mom left, Jess and I were cleaning up when I had an idea.

"Jess?" I ask. He looks up from where he's bagging up the trash. "I think we should go somewhere."

"Somewhere? That's vague."

"Like, anywhere. Let's get out of Stars Hollow. Go somewhere. Do something. Ooo. Let's go to Florida." I grin, and Jess looks at me like I'm crazy.

"Where did this sudden carpe diem-ness come from?"

"I don't know." I say honestly.

"Alright, then. Let's go."

"When?"

"Tomorrow."

"Early?"

"Very early." He grins. "Pack everything up and we'll fly to Florida."

"The tickets are going to be super-expensive."

"Hey, Rory? The whole point of being impulsive is to not think things through."

"Okay." I laugh. "We can go to Disney World and Universal Studios and the Beach and, oh God. Sea World!" I shriek. "I've always wanted to go to Sea World!"

"Does anyone ever tell you that you're five years old?"

"Frequently." I laugh, and he kisses my forehead.

"Sea World it is, then."

* * *

A/N: Hope you all liked it. Not a very eventful chapter, but I had fun writing it.

Read and review! Lots of reviews encourages me to write faster, because, to be honest, I'm a narcissist.

Oh, by the way, I am now a beta reader! So I'm open for anyone sending me stories! (Especially you Gilmore Girls writers out there.) Believe me, I am a better proofer than I am a writer. PM me if you are interested so that that way I can add your username to my connections, and then you can add me.


	7. Chapter Seven: Daddy Dearest

A/N: This chapter is from Jess' point of view, during the Gilmore-Mariano trip to Florida. Right now I'm pretty pissed off at myself, because I was planning to change the end of Chapter Six to be, instead of Rory just suggesting that they go to Florida, she would just wake him up in the morning and be all "Hey, let's go on an adventure." But I forgot before I posted it. I've been contemplating just going back and changing it, but already tons of people have read it like that so I'll just have to deal. Darn me and my stupid forgetfulness. *Grumbles and mentally kicks self*

You know the drill. Read and review. Maybe some nice reviews will cheer me up… Ha. Just kidding. You guys are already way too supportive of my writing.

Enjoy.

* * *

Chapter Seven

Daddy Dearest

Her brown hair fanned out on the pillow. Her face was peaceful for the most part, except for her lips which were pursed tight. Her eyes fluttered every once in a while. I wondered what she was dreaming about.. I brushed my hand across her cheek, and she sighed happily in her sleep, and rolled over so that she was facing me. I moved a piece of her hair out of her eyes, and kept thinking about how soft it was.

God, how I loved Rory. There cannot be anything better than having her with me. It was so cool when I came to see Malia and I was in Luke's apartment and she came up the steps and then we kissed… So cool.

I leaned over to the bedside table where my coat was hanging off the edge. I reached deep into the inside pocket, and pulled out a little black box. I flipped open the lid, and looked hard at it.

A ring.

Or, more specifically, an engagement ring.

I wanted to marry her. I wanted Rory to become Mrs. Rory Mariano, or, if she wanted to stay Gilmore, that's fine by me. I just wanted some form of commitment with her. I wanted to prove to her that hey, I wasn't getting on a bus and leaving without a word now. I was in this for the long haul, if she would have me.

I picked up the ring out if the jewelry box, and held it between my forefinger and my thumb. It was a small diamond stud, on a thin platinum ring. It was just like Rory; simple, yet beautiful. When I'd gone to Lorelai to ask not only for Rory's hand in marriage but for help on finding the ring, she'd assured me multiple times that Rory would love the ring.

I didn't have a definite plan on when I was going to do it, but I wanted it to be towards the end of the week, and I wanted it to be a serious surprise, at a good time.

Though this engagement wasn't just a direct result of us having a kid together, it was an added bonus. We owed it to our daughter to make sure that both of her parents stayed together. I wanted her to have the kind of dad that would buy her candy when her mom wasn't looking, the kind of dad that would buy her CDs and read her a story before she went to bed… I would walk her to the bus stop on the first day of school and help her with her homework and teach her to drive and go to her high school graduation and then her college graduation and then, when she's like, fifty, I would walk her down the aisle…

I would be the dad that I never had. She would never sit in her room late at night and wonder why her dad hadn't wanted to be with her. She wouldn't wonder at six years old what she'd done wrong…

As I thought of this all, I got out of bed and walked over to where Malia's bassinet was set up. I picked her up, and sat on the floor, leaning against the wall, and watched her sleep. Her breathing was soft and a little shallow. Her eyelids fluttered every once in a while, and she kept stirring restlessly. She cooed quietly in her sleep, and then her eyes opened slowly. Malia looked up at me, and smiled brightly. She yawned dramatically, and it made me laugh.

She scrambled out my lap and starts crawling all over the room. When she made it halfway to the bed, she looked back at me with wide, curious eyes. "Da-Da?" Malia asked, holding her hand out and wagging her fingers. I scoot over to where she's sitting, and when I'm close enough, she sits up on her knees, and then pulls herself up so that she's standing.

A week or so ago she learned to do this, and, with help, she's been able to get a step or two before she falls. I grab her hands and she leans on them for support, and takes a step. I slowly let go of her hands, and she instantly fell back flat on her butt.

In response to her falling, she opened her mouth wide and let out an ear-piercing scream.

Rory shot up strait, her eyes wild. She went into instant Mom-mode, jumping out of bed and landing right next to Malia on the floor. She picked her up and started murmuring in her ear. When Malia was calm enough to dry her tears with the back of her hand, she looked over at me intently. She reached for me, and I scooted her over to sit in my lap.

She instantly crawled out, and stood up again. I held out my hands, but she didn't take them. Holding her arms out for balance, she took one shaking, hesitant step. I shot a peak at Rory, and she had the cutest look of excitement on her face.

One step, two steps… Three steps!

Malia sat down on the ground, turned herself around, and then stood up again. She took another step and walked- now more sure of herself- back towards me. She made it all the way, and sat down hard in my lap.

Rory and I erupted into cheers, and Malia giggled in happiness at her recent triumph.

"Malia walk!" She shouted victoriously.

-------------

On the second day in Florida, we left Malia with Clara- Yes, Dean's sister- who we'd hired as a nanny for the trip. We went to the beach after that, and, while Rory unloaded all of her crap and put on sunscreen, I pulled my shirt off and ran strait into the ocean, diving deep into the cool water.

When I came up for air, I got out of of the water and walked across the hot sand, reaching into my bag and pulling something out. I put the object of my desire in my pocket, and grabbed Rory's hand and leading her back to the water. Together we walked through the soggy sand silently.

"You know," She said, laughing a little. "I never thought you'd be a very good dad." I raise my eyebrow at her, and feign shock, though I'd always thought the same thing. Putting the words "Jess" and "Father" together in the same sentence is pretty insane, unless you're saying "Jess hates his father" or "Jess would be a horrible father."

"Really?" I ask, laughing with her.

"I very distinctly remember you telling Dean's sister to go stand in the middle of the street while you bought her a snow cone." She pauses. "You never bought her a snow cone." Rory looks at me disapprovingly.

"She was annoying back then. Now not so much. And, besides, everyone who's ever met me knows that I was a total dick back then."

"You proved me wrong." She says, and I look at her, confused. "You're an amazing dad. You should just see how Malia looks at you. Every time you leave she seems so incomplete… It's insane yet so freaking excellent."

I see my chance, and take it.

"Rory… I love you. You know that right?" She nods, and I continue. "For years I've thought of you and no one else… And then I come back and we share that amazing night… Next thing I know, a year later I get a letter and I have a daughter and the woman I love loves me back… Rory, you're an amazing mother. I can't think of anyone I'd rather raise a daughter with."

She looks at me, obviously wondering where I'm going with this. I stop walking, and get down on one knee. Rory sucks in a deep breath as I pull the ring box out, and starts laughing and crying.

"Oh, my God." She breathes.

"I want to be with you forever, Rory. I want to be with you and love you and hold you foreverandever… I never want to let go. When we're old and bitter and wrinkly I want to still have you. I don't want to be the old and bitter and wrinkly guy that let the girl he loved get away, the guy who gripes for fifty years and makes everyone miserable and then dies a slow and painful death, all the while pissing off every person that he loves.

"Not only do I want to marry you, I want to be a true father to our daughter. I want to commit to her by committing to her mother… God, Rory. Please marry me. I _will _love you. I _will _be the best husband on the whole fucking planet. You believe that, right?" She had to believe it. How could she not?

Her tears are flowing more openly now, and she laughs again. "Of _course_, Jess." Her voice squeaks on the "course." "I've always believed that. And of _course _I want to marry you." Those words were quite possibly the best I've ever heard in forever. I look carefully into her blue eyes, which are shining brightly through the tears. Her shiny brown hair flies back as the wind blows, and she brushes her bangs away from her eyes.

I stand up and she throws her arms around me, and I find her lips, kissing her harder and fiercer than I'd think was possible.

When we're done, I grab her hand and lead her out into the ocean, and we dive down deep into the water, together. We come up for air at about the same time, and she practically tackles me, wrapping her legs around my waist. She's grinning ear to ear, and she laughs for no reason besides that she's happy.

"We're getting _married_." She screeches, and, since I can't bear not to any longer, I kiss her.

Married. Us… married.

Nothing sounds more perfect right now.

* * *

Last A/N: I'm not very good at writing from guy's point of view because, well, I think like a girl considering I _am _a girl, so if Jess comes out not sounding very Jess-like, sorry. I've been re-watching all of the Gilmore Girls seasons on DVD, and I've just gotten to Season 3, so I'm trying to get more in Jess' head. I've also been reading Vera Cobb's Fanfic that's shows some of Jess' POV, which helps a lot. (Vera Cobb is a beastly writer… Go read her stuff! Right now! After you review… of course!

Oh, last thing. In chapter one, Malia's name was just Malia Jessica Gilmore. I'm changing that now to Malia Jessica Gilmore-Mariano. We'll just say that that's how it's been the whole story *wink, wink*


	8. Chapter Eight: Edification

Chapter Eight! WHAAA! AHHH! Can you believe it? My very first FanFic has EIGHT chapters. Insane. Thanks to all of my faithful readers out there.

* * *

Chapter Eight

Edification

It was amazing.

My Dodger wanted to marry me… I hadn't expected that, at least yet. I knew he loved me, of course, but commitment and Jess don't really go together.

The next morning, I offered something I never thought I would. It was something I'd been thinking about for weeks. Well, not thinking, but _agonizing _over. Was this the right thing? It would be so hard, but I felt that I needed to throw Jess a bone. He's given me so much, I should be able to give him this one thing.

"Do you like living in Stars Hollow?" I asked casually as I picked at my bagel with strawberry cream cheese. Jess was feeding Malia little bits of pineapple, and she was making a mess out of them, as always.

"Not exactly." He says, not looking up at me. He seems a little distracted.

"If you don't like it, then I think we should move." His eyebrows raise, and he looks up at me, curious. I take a deep breath, and bits my lip, waiting for his retort.

"Where?" He asks.

"Anywhere you want."

"Anywhere?"

"Wherever." He thinks for a few minutes, absentmindedly stirring the pineapple until it was a mashed-up mess. I take the bowl from him, and start feeding Malia. She protests, closing her lips together. Whenever I'd get a spoonful in, she'd spit it out all over the both of us. Irritated and impatient with my daughter at the moment, I dumped the food down the sink and decided just to let her go hungry.

"The next meal is lunch, baby." I say when she looks up at me, equally annoyed.

"New York." He says, finally. I look up at him, and shrug.

"Okay. Why New York, though?"

"It's close enough to home, and it's _New York_."

And I don't argue.

-------------

Fat, heavy rain drops fell steadily and swiftly from sky to earth. The gutters were overflowing with the rushing rainwater, and my entire body was soaked down to the very core.

Remind me again why I let Jess choose where we wanted to live?

Because you love him, dummy. _Of course_. My mind says cynically, and I roll my eyes at my idiot self.

Yes, New York had been awesome when I'd gone junior year. I'd loved riding the subway and getting a hot dog with everything on it. I'd loved going to the music store, had loved seeing everything New York had to offer. But, now, I realized that part of my enjoyment of N.Y.C. was just that I was doing something wild and a little crazy and out-of-character.

God, New York City was _dirty_. The alleyways were crowded with trash and dumpsters and little hobo-homes. I saw a rat peak out from under a lawn chair set up obliquely on the stoop of one of the apartments. Gross.

For God's sake, I just needed some diapers. In order to do this somewhat easy task, I had to venture through the streets because, hell no, you couldn't have a car in N.Y.C.

Silly me for asking.

Okay, yes I know I'm being very whiny and obnoxious and very, very childish right at the moment. But right at the moment I feel like ranting a little, so, _damnit_, deal with it.

Technically, I'm not that unhappy with this city and Jess wanting to move here.

I'm upset- no, furious- with something else, and am taking it out on Jess' choice town.

I check my email this morning, and find an email awaiting me.

* * *

**To: "Rory Gilmore"  
**

**From: "Logan Huntzberger"  
**

**Subject: (No Subject)**

**I'm sorry.**

**Take me back.**

**--------------------------------------  
**

**Logan Huntzberger, CEO**

**ITT Corporation, San Francisco, CA**

**(555)-555-2592 ext. 987**

**

* * *

  
**

My first thought was _what the hell?_

My second thought was _shit, shit, shit_. I couldn't let Jess see this. If anything would send him just through the roof, it would be Logan wanting me back. I could look on the bright side, at least it wasn't Dean. God, Jess' reaction would be semi-hilarious, in a morbid way.

I tried my hardest not to scream. It was like I was having a stroke, an aneurysm, and a heart attack all at once. Yikes. Logan. _Logan_. The guy who I was _thisclose _to getting engaged to.

I couldn't willingly look at the signature. But, like it was a flashing neon sign, my gaze immediately went to it. The name popped out menacingly, and I had the urge to take a whole bottle of white out and pour it all over the screen to make it all go away. I didn't want to think about him! Things are going so well… I can't do this!

Jess walked into the apartment as I was reading the email once again, and I pressed _escape _like a thousand times.. He could not see this. And I would not let him.

I don't think I've thought of Logan since Jess came back. I've been so in love with Jess, so intoxicated with his presence and his love for me that there was no need to ponder love lost. It just seemed so weird… Why was I so upset about this? Shouldn't I just be indifferent? I should just be able to reply _screw you _and then delete the message, and put it behind me.

Jess rounded the corner and came into our bedroom, and I suppose the look on my face gave me away.

"Rory? What's going on?" I stammered out a few vowels and consonants, unable to find something to say. How did you explain to the father of your daughter that your ex-boyfriend wanted you back? Those are those things that you just don't bring up. You keep it locked away tight.

"Nothing. I'm just not feeling… great. Maybe I need a nap or something." That was the truth, wasn't it? Or at least close enough to the truth. I really wasn't feeling good. That aneurysm was still going full-force.

"Oh. Okay. Goodnight, then."

"Actually, I'm not going to sleep. Come talk to me." I hop over onto the bed, and pat the space next to me. He sets his bag down, and comes over to sit next to me. He lays down with his head on the pillow, and I snuggle into his side.

"So, tell me." He says. "Why aren't you feeling good?" For the briefest second, from the way he says it, I think that he knows. He just had this _look _in his eye. A semi-guilty look, and a semi-pissed look. But then I think that, no, there's no possible way he could know.

"I don't know. I'm just stressed. As always. I need to write some more stuff for the _Gazette_… Everything's just crazy right now." I say, telling a half-truth. "And I haven't been sleeping well, and God. Things are insane."

"Oh. That's all?" He presses. I look up at him, confused. What does he want me to say?

"Uh, yeah. What's with the prying, Mariano?" I smile, but he doesn't smile back.

"I don't know, Gilmore. It just seems like you aren't telling me the truth." What the? I sit up, and look at him, stunned.

"Why would I lie to you, Jess?"

"I don't know, _Rory_." He says the name like an insult. "Why would you?"

"Geez, Mr. Cynicism. Can I have a little more sarcasm with that?"

"Rory, damnit!" He yells way too loudly.

"I don't understand why you're mad." I say, hurt. What was his deal? One minute he's happy and fine and concerned about me, and then the next minute he's screaming at me and being all acerbic. God, what the hell is his _problem?_

"Because you're lying to me!" He yells even louder than before.

"What are you _talking _about?" I screech, furious.

"I got the call, Rory."

"The call? Can you be a little more cryptic? How about you tell me why the hell you're really mad?"

"The call from Logan!" I suck in a deep breath, and just sit there, staring at him. Logan _called_? There was something so horribly ironic about that. Here I was, working pretty hard to keep the email from Jess when, in fact, he already knew that Logan was trying to get in contact with me.

But, wait. He should be mad at Logan, not me, right? Oh, God.

I _get it_. He thinks that I've been talking to Logan. He thinks that I've been sneaking around behind his back! God, doesn't he know better than to think that I'd cheat on him? Shouldn't he? Ugh. I see we having such a trusting relationship, alright.

"I haven't been talking to him."

"Well, he called quite a few times."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"If you haven't been talking to him, then why do you care?" Here we go. Now's the point in the fight where everything I say gets twisted. So I see there's no possible way I can win this one.

"I haven't communicated with him since my graduation. So stop freaking out."

"I'm not freaking out!" He yells, and I shake my head. "God, Rory. You have always been like this."

"Been like what?" I say, slowly, advising him mentally to choose his words _very _carefully.

"You can't choose! When you were with Dean, you couldn't choose me or him. When you were with me, you wouldn't fully give him up. Then when you were with Logan you came back to me and now, well, looks like you can't give up Logan. God." He looks disgusted, and I shake me head once again. Damnit. Damn him, damn him, damn him.

"And you're just the same, too! You're always looking for someone else to blame! You're only looking for the loser's way out, always looking to put the blame on someone else!" I'm practically screaming right now, I'm just so, so pissed.

"And you're just as scared and immature as always."

"Immature? _Immature_? Like you can talk! Mr. Oh, I hate school it's so horrible so I'm not going to go! Instead I'm going to piss off _everyone _around me and _fail _my uncle who's tried so hard. Oh, and just for the update, Jess, _everyone _hates school! You were just too damn lazy to do anything someone told you to do."

"Just stop." He says.

"No! I will not stop! Jess, you have _always _done this. You will do anything and everything to let something get in the way of our relationship. That's why we didn't work the first time. You treated me like crap, and you're doing it right now."

"Oh, and you coming to Philadelphia wasn't treating me like crap?"

"You deserved that." I shoot back icily. "You deserved every bit of hurt." I say it slowly, bitterly, trying to make the words sting.

"I never knew you were a masochist."

"Well, that 'eye for an eye' philosophy is really nice sometimes. God, Jess. Do you know what you did for me when you left? Do you know how many nights I laid in bed, sobbing my eyes out, just so, so confused? I had no idea what I did, Jess. I didn't know where you went or why you left or anything. I still don't even know where you went!"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does. See, that's another thing! You never talk! You don't tell me _anything_. We're getting married, Jess! When you get married you have to be able to talk, Jess."

"I don't have anything to say." He says quietly.

That night, Jess sleeps on the couch.

-------------

"God, Mom. Why did I even come here? I hate New York, and I hate this damn apartment. This was so, so stupid. And why did I get engaged? Jess and I obviously are so _not _on the same wavelength. It's stupid. _I'm _stupid." I complain on the phone to my mom the next day.

"Oh, honey. You're not stupid. It's you're guys' first fight. Everyone has to have one. This is a good sign, Rory. You guys have seemed way too honeymoon-ish. Very Jack and Rose, not enough Sid and Nancy."

"Okay, so you're saying that I need to be less passionately in love, and need to be _more _drugged out and psycho."

"Exactly my point, doll."

"I'm so glad that I have a mother that gives me such great, edifying advice."

"Why thank you, my beautiful offspring."

"So we're complementing each other now?"

"I suppose. You're pretty." I can almost hear her grin through the phone.

"You have fabulous hair."

"You graduated Yale!"

"You opened your own flourishing business."

"You totally graduated High School."

"You totally got your G.E.D."

"I'm running out of compliments."

"So am I."

"I don't think we're as successful as we think we are."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Mom." I laugh. "I have a plethora of good qualities."

"And I have a excess of good qualities as well."

"And that's why we work so good together." I laugh.

"Hear, hear!"

* * *

A/N: Eh. Kind of a dramatic chapter, whatwith the fight and Logan and whatnot. Aha! Are the Rogan lovers rejoicing? As a total Literari-Lover, I simply almost cried when Rory freaked when Logan came back because you know what that means… And I wrote this, for God's sake. What can I say? I'm a young Stephenie Meyer. My character speak to me. Or, actually, Amy Sherman-Palladino's (Sp?) characters speak to me.

I originally had email addresses for both Rory and Logan, but for some reason (I think it has to do with the fact that it keeps trying to make a link) they wouldn't show up, so I just put their names like Rory was one of Logan's contacts. Psh. Whatever.

I know you all are going to be talking about how Rory wouldn't have freaked if she didn't still have feelings for Logan, and to that I say this: *cough, cough* that's exactly the point.

Read and review. Read and review. C'mon. All the cool kids are doing it… Oh. And check out my other GG story "Road to Nowhere". It's good, I promise. Better than this story.


	9. Chapter Nine: All Wrong

A/N: I was inspired for all of Rory's thinking from Paragraph 4-7 while watching Monday night's _Jon & Kate Plus 8_ episode- the one where they announced their divorce. When Kate was talking about how Jon doesn't know what he wants, I felt like that kind of applied to Rory and Jess in this situation, and I elaborated from that thought.

I really can't believe I got inspired from a reality show. *Weird*

* * *

Chapter Nine

All Wrong

Sometimes I wonder how the little events in my life have effected my life in dramatic ways. Like, did a simple decision like what I ate for breakfast one morning alter the course of my life radically? If I'd had cereal instead of Poptarts, would I be a completely different person? Would Malia never have been born, would the car wreck never have happened, would Jess and I have never reunited?

I pondered this as I stared once again at the email from Logan.

Things were really hard right now. Jess and I haven't really said anything to each other since the fight, which was a week ago. We've started fighting each other about the littlest things, like me getting mad that he left his shoes out and him getting mad that I left my flat-iron out on the sink. It's crazy and very immature on both of our parts.

The truth of the matter is that Jess and I have a lot of thinking to do. We were both thrown into this relationship and never thought anything through. We're two very different people in two very different places, and we have to really contemplate if we can really make this work.

Because I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want us to get married and then realize that we're not going to be able to last any longer. I don't want Malia to ever have to say that her parents are divorced. That sucks, and I won't do that to her. I won't let her live with us fighting non-stop. She deserves peace and normality as early on as possible. I don't want to just rock her world at sometime when she realizes that for the first time in her life, Daddy won't be there to tuck her into bed.

It's definitely the truth that Jess doesn't know where he's going. He doesn't know what he wants to do, doesn't know what tomorrow will bring. I think that the reason he's having this much problem with everything- mostly being a parent- is because he's only had seven months to realize that it's not about him anymore. As soon as he became a parent, it became about his daughter. I have had almost two years to accept the fact that all my dreams of being a foreign correspondent are on hold until Malia is older. I've had almost two years to let the selfishness fade away, so that my entire being is about my daughter.

Jess and I are two very self-seeking people. Not in the mean, nasty way, but in the way that when we want something, we don't let anyone get in the way. A perfect example of that was when Jess kept jacking with Dean back in High School. He knew what he wanted- me- and was going to do anything and everything to get me. Jess is more selfish than me in that way, because I'm a lot more likely to let someone crush my dreams, like with Mitchum.

Ugh. Mitchum.

The thought of that horrible man mad me think of that horrible man's son, and the thought of Logan freaked me out once again.

All of this thinking is what brought me to the decision that I shared with Jess eight days after our fight.

"Jess? Can I talk to you?" I asked when he got home from work. Jess looked at me with obvious irritation. He didn't want to talk, didn't want to resolve anything, didn't want to look at me. He wanted to continue on being mad. And I definitely didn't blame him. I was absolutely horrible to him in our fight. He said some mean stuff, too, but bringing up Philadelphia was the lowest of low blows.

I'm sitting down on the couch, and he sits down, too, as far away as possible. It's kind of comical, in a way, the way we're shrinking into the armrests, trying not to even breathe each other's air.

"I need to go see Logan," I say, quietly, bracing myself for the fighting. My stomach has been churning ever since I decided to tell Jess, and it's got even worse butterflies right now. Jess looks at me with a look of disdain, with just the ever-so small hint of pain.

"Because you want to be with him." I close my eyes, sighing deeply. He didn't say it as a question, he said it as a statement, like he'd thought hard about my motives and had come to this conclusion. It was really hard not to totally blast him, was very hard not to scream at him about how wrong he was and how I was so tired of his little martyr act.

"No. I just need to figure things out. Not just with him, but with you. I don't want to be thinking 'What if?' ten years from now. I don't want to be always wondering if I could have had something better with Logan. I can't do that to you or myself. It's not fair, Jess." The words I said hurt to force out. I didn't want Jess to know that I was thinking that maybe I could be happier with Logan… didn't want him to think that I was doubting my love for him. But I owed it to him to tell the truth.

Jess doesn't say anything, so I continue. "And I need time away from you. We both need time away from each other." I sigh deeply and close my eyes once again, feeling the tears fall hard.

Silence engulfs us both, and I see that this discussion over. I get up, walk briskly to the bedroom, close the door, and promptly fall apart.

-------------

I took a plane to San Francisco, and cried the whole way.

This was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I was running to my past instead of running away like I should. I didn't want to relive Logan and everything that came with him. Knowing that I was heading back to him made me relive those dark times after I quite Yale. Those days were terrifying and wrong and just insane.

I'd emailed Logan back at one point and asked for his address, and I checked my email for a reply while I was on the plane. I found an email with his address and a picture at the very end of the email.

It was a photo of an avocado tree.

That made me fall apart once again. I began to imagine how my life could have been if I'd accepted his proposal, and that made it even worse. It wouldn't be a terribly exciting life, but it would be a happy life. I would be content.

I got a rental car when the plane arrived in the airport, and used the GPS on my phone to find his apartment. I pulled up outside the complex, and I must have sat there for forty-five minutes. Neighbors were probably calling the police right now, hiding in their closets and telling their children not to make a noise because creepy-girl was still waiting outside in a beat-up Jeep Cherokee.

I didn't know what to do, didn't know what to say.

And I realized that I was not ready for this, not yet. I needed some time to think over what I was going to say. I needed some time to figure out what I really needed from Logan.

So I checked myself into a hotel, and spent the next twenty-four hours doing just that.

Thinking.

-------------

I hated being away from Jess. I realized this in my thinking time. It was so strange being away from. But I felt like I'd lost him. Somehow I came to the conclusion that this little going-to-Logan act might have ruined whatever we had going there.

I hoped that he knew that I wasn't taking this lightly. I wasn't just going to see Logan for the heck of it. I needed to truly figure things out, needed to truly understand what I was doing by cutting Logan permanently out of my life. Because that was what I was going to do if I figured out that Logan wasn't right for me. I would not see him again. His name would become only a distant memory for me, a person who I knew back in the past but didn't know me.

I knew Jess. I knew how this was hurting him. But I never wanted this. I never wanted to see him hurt. I really and truly tried to dodge anything that could hurt my Dodger. Just, sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to and I'm imploring him to understand that but he's just not in the place to forgive me, and, well, that's how it has to happen.

There's no one here to help me right now. I don't have my mother to lean on, don't have Lane to talk to right now. It's me. All me.

And that's quite possibly the scariest part of all of this.

-------------

Finally, I know what I need, and I know that I have to go and get it soon.

I know that every minute that I'm here and don't communicate with Jess is another minute that he's hurting.

And I don't want to hurt him anymore. If things have to end between us, I want it to be clean break, though it's impossible. It won't be a clean break because Malia's still there. And I will never keep him from our daughter. No matter how things go down, I won't fail Malia in not letting her have her father around.

That will have to be her choice someday.

As I drive back to Logan's, I pray that Jess is figuring things out himself right now. I hope that his epiphany has come, and that he's made things right in his soul. I want him to know what he wants so he can know if he wants me back.

Okay, that thought is terrifying.

So I push it from my mind.

-------------

I walk up the many stairs and knock on apartment #412.

Tapping my foot impatiently, I try not hyperventilate as I wait for Logan, who's moving at a glacially slow pace right now. I hear footsteps and a crash. Uh, okay?

Finally, the scarlet door swings open, and I'm faced by him for the first time in nearly three years.

Logan.

* * *

A/N: Bum, bum, bum! Ooo, I know how you all hate cliffhangers. But rejoice, Two to Tango fans, I will definitely update soon!

I'm not sure when this story will be over. I'd originally planned for ten chapters, but it's looking like it's going to take longer than that, so I'm looking at about twelve right now.

I couldn't remember what tree it was that was at the house Logan was thinking about renting when he proposed. I kept thinking apple tree but I knew that was wrong... so I had to look it up. (By the way, I had no idea that avocados grew on trees. I'm not sure what I thought they grew on, though...)

So review.

And review.

Because reviews make me happy, and make me more likely to give you all an ending that makes you happy! Heh. Bribery is awesome.


	10. Chapter Ten: Here's to Silence

A/N: The lyrics at the very beginning are from "Forever and Always" by Taylor Swift. I really like the "Here's to silence" line, and it fits the ending of the story when Rory's in the bar with Lorelai.

Enjoy... This may be the last chapter.

* * *

Chapter Ten

Here's to Silence

*****

"_So here's to everything coming down to nothing_

_Here's to silence that cuts me to the core_

_Where is this going?_

_Thought I knew you for a minute, but I don't anymore…"_

_*****_

Logan looked at me with shock, even though it should have been painfully obvious that I was going to see him when I'd asked for his address. Why else would I have asked? He blinked twice, and then gestured to let me in. I obliged, and stepped into the large apartment. A I did, I noticed that the layout was oddly like his old apartment that we'd shared back in college. I shook my head to dislodge the thought; I had more important things to worry about right now.

"Do you need anything? Water? Soda?" I shake my head. "Come on. Martini?" I shake my head once again, wondering why he's so insistent on getting liquid, alcohol or not, inside me. I wish he'd just let me get this over with.

"I really just need to talk to you," I say, and he sits down on the couch. I sit down next to him, and clear my throat. Here goes nothing… Or everything, I suppose. I take a moment to look at Logan, to gauge his mood. I can't tell if he's happy, annoyed, or completely uninterested in my return. When I remember the email, I realize that he must be sort of happy, right? Ugh. Nothing makes sense anymore.

"Okay, then. Talk."

"Well, I had a kid." I say this with some enthusiasm, trying to convey that he should at least pretend to be happy for me. But he just looks at me incredulously, so I continue. "With Jess. Yeah, I guess you don't care. And we got engaged. And then we got into a fight. And I came here because I just don't know what I want anymore and I was hoping that seeing you would help me."

Logan doesn't say anything for a while, just looks at me blankly. Okay, please, _please _say something. Anything. Damnit, Huntzberger! _Talk_!

Finally, he says, "Are you high?" He looks a little disgusted, and my mouth drops open. I fight the urge to smack him.

"_No_. Are you joking?"

"You were just expounding in a very un-Rory-like way. Never mind, though." Yeah, wise choice to give it up, Logan. And besides, how does he know what's Rory-like anymore? Three years is a long time.

"I just… Don't want to have an regrets. I don't want to always be wondering what might have happened if I came to see you. So I came." I try to smile like, _and here we are_.

"What do you want me to say, Rory?"

"I have no damn clue," I say honestly, laughing a little. He nods in affirmation, and offers for us to take a walk. I agree, since this apartment is making me weirdly claustrophobic, and the sight of Henry the Knight Statue makes me want to puke. He's bringing up too many memories, making me think of things I don't want to think about yet, as stupid as that sounds. It's just a stupid statue, after all.

We walk in silence for a while, and end up on a park bench. Finally, I realize that he's waiting for me to say something, so I do.

"I keep wondering what would have happened if I'd said yes at graduation. I keep wondering what it would be like to be Mrs. Huntzberger. And I don't like all of this questioning. It sucks. I just want to have some closure. I really thought that everything was said and done but when you emailed I just couldn't say that for sure anymore."

"I'm sorry that I made things so bad." He's saying the words, but- while looking into his eyes- I can tell that he's lying. _No, you're not sorry_. It's that same look that I've seen on his face so many times, when he's trying to explain away every crappy thing he'd done. The look that says that he's sorry that he got caught, not sorry for his actions. He doesn't give a shit that he made things harder for me... He's doing that thing he always does where he apologizes just to make me think that he's sweet and caring, when in fact he's just... not.

"Forget about it. It's my fault. Things were just… hard. Jess and I never figured things out, you know? Our relationship was just kind of sprung on us, and we didn't have time to think."

"Because of your kid?"

"Yeah. My kid's a girl, if you're wondering. Her name is Malia." He nods, but doesn't look like he really cares. I imagine what it would be like if I went back to him. Would he want anything to do with Malia? I doubted it.

"I love you, Rory. I want you back. I want you to be with me. I want to make up for giving you that ultimatum." I look at him carefully, trying to see past what he's saying and into what he's really thinking and feeling.

"I don't know if I want you back," I say honestly. That doesn't sit well with him.

"So why did you come?" he snaps.

"I told you why."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say, Rory. What am I supposed to do? Have sex with you? See if there's still a spark?"

"Oh, God, Logan. Stop. Just… talk to me. Tell me about things. How's your business coming?" I try to sound chatty, but I think it comes across way too serious than I wanted it to.

"Fine. We're doing good. How's your journalism?"

"Eh. Okay. My foreign-correspondent aspirations are on hold until Malia gets a little bit older, but I still have a job at the _Hartford Gazette_, which is still really fun."

"Hmm. That's sad."

"Not really. Malia's the greatest."

"Hmm." God. Why does he keep saying "hmm"? He's saying it like he's making fun of me, like he doesn't agree with me at all. Is he saying that a daughter isn't worth it to put your dreams on hold? Who _is _this guy?

As I'm sitting there, trying to think of something else to say, I figure out what I needed to figure out. I didn't love Logan anymore. I don't think that we can even be friends anymore. There's just… nothing there. We're so different now that there is no way we could last longer than a week. He's still that immature, afraid little boy he's always been. The cheater. The liar. The user.

I stand up, and say, "Well, I better go, Logan. I've found what I needed." I laugh a little, and smile genuinely. "Thank you." I start walking away, and laugh once again. I feel so free, so right that it's amazing. The liberation that's come is great.

I sprint back to the car, because, well, there's something I need to do.

And I can't bear another minute not doing it.

-------------

"Jess?" I ask when he answers. "Things are okay now. I've… figured things out."

"What do you mean by 'figuring things out?'" he asks, and it takes me a second to realize why he sounds so nervous. Oh. He thinks that I might be going back to Logan.

"I want nothing to do with him." I can't even say his name out loud. I just want to be rid of the blond boy who I just saw. I want him out of my life, out of my memories for good. "You're who I want. If you'll have me, that is." I brace myself for the dreaded _no_, but I don't get a _no_. I get a _yes_.

"I'll have you, Rory. As long as you never pull this again."

"I promise!" I laugh, feeling so happy. "But I have a question. Have you… figured things out for yourself?" He takes a deep breath, and I swear I can hear the smile in his breath over the phone.

"Yeah, I have. I've done a lot of thinking. About you and Malia and my career. And I've decided that I want to write another book. I want to be a writer. That's what I want to do." He seems very sure of himself, but he sounds like he's just admitting it to himself for the very first time. And that's why I make sure.

"You're positive?"

"I'm a hundred and twelve percent sure."

"Only a hundred and twelve percent?" I tease, laughing at the random integer he came up with. And then I think of something. There's something else I have to do, I realize. And I need to do it now. "Uh, Jess? I think there's something else I have to do before I get back. So I'll be another couple days. I'll call you when I know when I'm coming back, okay?"

"What do you have to do?" he asks, warily. I bet he thinks that I'm going to see Dean or something. The thought makes me snicker mentally. No, I don't need to visit all of my exes. I wasn't _that _unsure of our relationship.

"I need to visit my dad."

-------------

I call my father, and find out where he's living.

He's back in Boston, and I get the address, telling him that I'll be on a flight to come see him as soon as possible. I can't tell what he thinks of this from the tone of his voice, and I don't care. I'm coming no matter what he thinks.

I got the red-eye plane flight, and arrived at Dad's house at like, five in the morning. He answers the front door quickly, and I see that he's been up all night. I walk past him into the house without being invited, already feeling irritated even thought neither of us have said anything yet.

"Dad, why did you leave?" I ask quickly, before he can say anything to make me soften towards my father.

After a few long moments of silence, he says, "I needed to get away from your mother, Rory. You know that." Actually, no, I didn't know that, thankyouverymuch. And, besides, that's not what I meant.

"I meant why did you leave me? I have a daughter, Dad. You're a grandfather and, not only did you abandon me, you abandoned her. How could you do that? She didn't do anything. And what did I do? What did I do to make you run? You haven't called or emailed or sent any smoke signals or carrier pigeons… Or did I just miss them? Is that it? Everything just magically went to the wrong address? Is there another Rory in Stars Hollow that's got pigeons attacking her window? God, Dad."

"I've been hurt, honey. I needed to be away from your mother and by consequence I had to be away from you." Tears rush to my eyes as I hear his bullshit excuses, and when I start to speak, my voice cracks.

"Mom and I are not joined at the hip! That's crap. You can be with me without being with her. And it has been close to three years. You're not over it yet? Are you even trying to move on, or are you just going to be pissed for the rest of your life? Because Mom is with Luke, and that's not changing anytime soon. So don't even think of doing anything."

"I wasn't." he says quietly, and I don't believe him.

"Yeah, you were. I can tell. So just get over her. And stop running from me. I didn't do anything, Dad. _I _didn't leave you. _I _actually called and emailed."

"I'm sorry, Rory."

I shake me head and say, "You always say that. You always say you're sorry, you always say you'll change and yet you never do. So I'm done. I'll be in G.G.'s life, but other than that I'm done. I'm tired of being screwed by you. I came to tell you that. I'm getting married next year, and I really wish you could walk me down the aisle but I'm not going risk the fact that you might not show up because you're afraid to see Mom. So that's it. I'm done." The tears rush a little more openly now, and I brush them away. Because I'm tired of being sad, tired of doing this.

Dad starts to say something, but I hold up my hands to stop him.

"I'm sorry this is the way it has to be, but you did this. Not me. So goodbye." I turn on my heel and stalk out the door, not looking back. I get into my rental car, and drive off into the night.

I'm not mad, just betrayed and oh, so done with this. Finished. Ready to move on.

-------------

I drive back down to Stars Hollow after stopping in a hotel to sleep at for a while, and I arrive at my mom's house late at night. She seems genuinely thrilled to see me, practically tackling me in a hug when she answers the door.

"What do you want to do? Pizza, movie? Luke's?" I shake my head at all suggestions.

"Let's go to a bar. I'm going to tell you everything and then we are going to get falling-down drunk. Alright?" My mother grins, and puts her arm around me.

"I've raised you well, daughter."

-------------

I don't tell Mom about going to Dad's house. It's just not something she needs to know. Yet. I will tell her someday, but now is just not the right time. I don't want her to feel guilty, since she shouldn't be. But Mom, selfless as always, will blame herself when it's not her fault at all.

I tell her all about going to see Logan, and all about talking to Jess on the phone. She fills me in on the goings on at the Dragonfly and Luke and Sookie and everything else going on in Stars Hollow, and then we get drunk. We stumble home together, giggling over absolutely humorless things, tripping over our feet, and pass out on the couch at her house. In the morning we're hung-over with massive headaches, and Luke makes us both chocolate chip pancakes and coffee, and we both lay with our heads on the table, trying to ignore the throbbing in our skulls.

Once again, I realize just how much I owe my mother.

Because she's just too great for words.

* * *

A/N: Review, please. I really liked this chapter, and I want to know if you guys do as well. Don't know what you all will think about Christopher...

Either way, I had tons of fun writing it.

Oh, last thing. I think this story has come to a close. I thought I was going to do more, but I don't think this story needs anything else. I leave for camp next week, and when I get back I might do an epilogue. But I'm not sure... I like the story ending with Lorelai and Rory. I had an idea for an ending, but I think I'm going to use my idea for my other GG Fanfic, "Road to Nowhere"

In case I don't, I just want to thank all of my steady reader and reviewers. You guys encouraged me so much and made this story a thousand more times worth writing. I'm so surprised that my very first Fanfic has been this successful, and am so surprised that people actually like my writing.

I especially want to thank Vera Cobb for giving me real, true, honest constructive criticism.

Check out my other stories, and just know that I'm planning on starting another GG Fanfic very, very soon.


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